Well, for starters, I do know my baseline these days is toward the depressed pole. When not flaring, for lack of a better word, in that down pole, I know that I am not usually suicidal. A bit down, but I can do it. When I am having an episode, as you put it, in this down pole, everything is worse. Anhedonia, sadness, hopelessness, appetite, sleep issues, fatigue, worthlessness, so on, and then the big one, suicidality. My SI can be incapacitating. If this is my picture, then I am def in an episode.

On the up side, things like pressured speech, no need for sleep, thoughts going super-fast, euphoria, grandiosity are big ones for me. I may become hyperreligious. If I have most of these happening, I am definitely manic or getting there.

I have a ton of trouble with psychosis. The symptoms here are usually the same time after time. Paranoia, thinking I'm being followed by a secret govt. agency. Microphones in the walls of my apt. Cameras hidden in smoke detectors, the oven, etc. People rappelling from choppers to come kick down my door and shoot me. Spirits floating around that I see. Lotta voices. If any of this is going on, I am on my way to being psychotic or am already there.

If I am just off for an afternoon or a day, I don't make much of it. These things above usually go on for awhile unless and until a med change is made. I am now good about reaching out and that helps me. I am not ashamed anymore. This is just my life.