Hey everyone, I want to apologize for my frantic hopeless post.

Usually when I dump my head out with my T it helps, yesterday everything just kept falling out and I really felt it was falling on me..like I was being smothered.

Richard has texted me twice today. He is not a “ texting” guy but he only works M-W.. I assured him although I’m a bit disappointed that I haven’t died in some strange way since I saw him.. asteroid, Black Plague , trip over a kangaroo and snap my head off.

It’s impossible for me to find anyone willing to help me with any kind of pain meds, I went to a pain clinic 5 or so years ago... they would not prescribe anything. I asked for just 3 pills ??? Incase I just cant stand it and I just need something to force me to sleep??! nope

Once while IP they had me take Thorazine as nothing else was giving me any sleep, it worked !! I thought finally I have a prn that will be last resort. I took it a couple months later at home , I got 3 hours of sleep , few months later nothing. Took one a few months ago again it did nothing but blur my vision for a couple days.

I said I have gone IP at least 5 times because my pain causes me to feel suicidal and thats ridiculous!!!! I mean it would certainly be cheaper to buy 3 pain pills a month if I really need one instead of going IP and thats 1,500 + a day plus psych Med cost.

See how ridiculous this is???

A few years ago my GP was trying to set up a plan, we have a small rural hospital, so basically if I came in feeling suicidal from the PAIN that they could administer me IV pain med. The hospital said legally they could not do this. If I come in feeling suicidal by law I will need to go IP

My GP is not able to give me any because I don’t have a “ approved “ physical problem.. Fibromyalgia is not on that list because my state are sadistic asssholes.

My Rheumatologist can only offer very short term pain meds (3days) if I have visible swollen joints that require steroid shot.

I am not a drinker, like I had half a glass of wine with my daughter last Christmas while we made chili.

I fixed a drink last week .. coconut rum and cream soda one sip and I said Nope ! Handed it to my husband ... he said what do you want me to do with it?? I said drink it. He is also not a drinker, he poured it down the drain. The bottle of rum we have is at least 7 year old and still basically full.

I am not going to try and find street drugs , one I would have no idea where to get any, two I would be to terrified to even try something , no no no.

So I just feel defeated and hopeless and again another sleepless night.

Thank you all for being so kind with words of support it does help.