T Tuesday. I was feeling nervous because the previous Friday, I'd mentioned how I had the thought "I love you" while leaving session recently. I'd sent him an email Sunday night confirming that he was still OK with what I'd shared, and he'd replied with "All is well."

Went back and sat down. I think it was probably obvious that I was nervous. Talked about some random stuff like his fish (the red betta in the fishbowl next to my seat) and fantasy football. T was smiling a lot and joking around a bit, so that made me feel better, that everything was, in fact, OK. I thanked him for the email reply, and he said it was incredibly easy to reply to, like a 0.5 on a scale of 1-10. I said his response was exactly what I needed, how I'd done well Saturday because I was busy all day and evening, but then had more time to think Sunday. He said was fine re:email.

I filled him in on how I'd tried to suggest different options to H for that Saturday's date night, as he'd suggested. He seemed puzzled, like he didn't remember why he suggested it. I said I'd told him (T) I'd felt we were missing out on novelty, then he was like, "Oh, right!" I said I'd suggested seeing a play, and H had been like, "Eh, I don't feel like seeing a play tonight." I mentioned an escape room (we've never done one), and H was like, "Eh, I'm not into escape rooms." He agreed on bowling, but then the place was too crowded, so we just ended up at a pub across the street.

Talked about my frustration that I was trying to come up with ideas, but H didn't seem that interested. Like, is it worth it to come up with ideas? T said maybe he's just a guy who is more into routine, and there's nothing wrong with being like that, though could be a conflict if I want to do other things. I said I have that issue at times with restaurants, like we sometimes try a new place, but then tend to just go back to the old places, with the exception of one we'd been to recently. Is the solution to let H come up with the ideas? T wasn't sure, but said to discuss it with him.

I nervously brought up the thing from Friday again, saying, "I guess we need to discuss that more today." T asked why. I said how at the end of last session, he'd said, "I imagine we're not done discussing the 'I love you' thought bubble." So I figured he meant we'd have to continue the discussion today. T said no, that he just meant he figured it would come up again at some point, not that we had to talk about it. I said, "Oh, OK. I was just worried because with ex-MC, when I'd shared that--OK, they were different tones and different circumstances--but he'd said, 'Of course it's OK,' but also that it was a big deal and he thought I needed to talk about it with him or with you. And then it turned out to not be OK. So I worried that's what was going on here." T said it wasn't.

Me: "OK, I admit I made the mistake this morning of going back and looking at the email and text exchanges with ex-MC around that time, then started feeling bad about them again." T: "Why do you even still have them saved?" Me: "I don't know. That's a good question. I still have the voicemail, too. But in a way, the voicemail makes sense, because it's from a time I felt he was really caring. But the texts were painful, so I don't know why I still have them...maybe to remind me I wasn't making things up about his reaction? Maybe i should delete them or else like save them to hidden folder."

T said how keeping them could mean I was holding on to that stuff with ex-MC. Like keeping old love letters. I said but with those, they're generally stashed in a box in the back of a closet. But these, all I have to do is search his name in Gmail or look at the text string on my phone, so easier access. He said but with letters, you could come across them randomly when cleaning out your closet. I said I'd give more thought to deleting the stuff.

I started talking about how the past few days and nights had gone with my D. Her being awake multiple times a night a couple of the nights, screaming at us all morning before school the day before. T seemed really empathetic and was concerned about my disrupted sleep. He said how in the hierarchy, it's air, then water, then sleep--how it even comes before eating. I said I didn't realize that. And I said how it's affecting my functioning in various areas, like struggling more to focus on work. T: "Of course it does." I said I also felt like some self-care had fallen away, like exercise, eating well. He said that made sense, how lack of undisrupted sleep can affect everything.

I started crying. Me: "Sometimes I feel like I'm just barely managing. Like, I manage to get all my work done, but I don't feel like I'm doing a very good job. I had to cancel plans with a friend later this week because I have so much to do, so it was just causing me more stress. And it's not like there's some particular end in site, like it's not, 'well, I just have to get through the next 2 weeks' or something." I think I saw T wipe away tears then and at another point during this topic (like wiped under one eye, then the other, not like his eyes were itchy and he was rubbing them).

I forget what T said there--something supportive and validating. We talked a bit more about that--at one point he compared it to treading water. I said, "Yeah, and it's not like there's someone right there to throw a life preserver, or I see a boat off in the distance, so I just have to hold on a bit more." He seemed sad. T: "We really need to figure out a solution to this." Me: "Regarding my sleep issues?" T: "Regarding D's sleeping. We have to figure something out. You can't go on like this." Me: "Yeah...it's exhausting." His use of "we" made it feel like we're a team, that he's sort of in the trenches with me trying to help. I don't recall him doing the "we" thing much before, if at all.

Checked schedule, he said he just had me for Wednesday the next week (Thanksgiving week)--is that what I wanted? I said I was debating Monday, too and asked if he had anything. He said he had a few slots available, that I didn't need to decide right then, that "You know where to find me."

I'd forgotten to pay at the beginning, but he processed my card while standing up, then opened the door and held out his hand. T: "Hope you have a good few days." Me: "You too." T: "And good luck with D. Oh and with..." he pointed to the office next door, which is where D's T (P) is, who H and I were seeing the next day. Me: "Thanks."