My asking for prayers was all about just finding a way through the hearing yesterday. I honestly did not know how that was going to go at all.

I was not at all prepared for that turning into also going to my parents home, going there in a hurry up quick way. I was not prepared to suddenly drive there and see a police officer there and having to deal with my cold controlling sister who stopped me at the door insisting I not bring my purse in with me. I was not prepared to enter my parent's home only to see how disturbed it was, how my sister had changed things around and had so many of their things on tables, things I had not seen in so many years. I was not prepared for my sister's invading cold presence when I JUST wanted to have time alone to sit in my parent's home and quietly and privately grieve. I was not prepared to experience her coming into my space with these colored sticker peel and stick circles and to be told I had only 90 minutes to walk around and put stickers ONLY on the things on my list. I was not MENTALLY prepared for any of what I experienced yesterday. Actually, yesterday was like entering a strange spook house on a rollor coaster in the dark not having any idea what is going to pop up next. I now wish I had taken pictures so I could post them so anyone reading could be able to see all I had to see in that big old house. I was not prepared to see how my sister had been busy going into everything and putting it all out on tables like she did.

When I had to come up with a list of things I wanted, I had to do that by sitting down and trying to do a virtual tour in my head. When I did that all I pictured in my mind was my parent's home the way they kept it, so many things were put away and so many things I had not really paid attention to, certainly not with the idea of picking items out that I might want. I had pictured walking in "finally" and sitting in all that is left of my parents because there are not graves and my sister already spread their ashes.

I was not ready to deal with seeing my sister's old mean face coming at me, she looked HORRIBLE, worse than the wicked witch of the west in the wizard of oz. I was not ready to go upstairs and see how the wall paper was coming off the wall in a corner and in that same corner the canvas that was on the ceiling was coming down. Last time I saw that very room everything looked GREAT and neat and clean. I was not ready to see all my mother's things on the bureaus and bed, and the styrophone heads here and there with her wigs on them. My mother had wigs so she did not have to fuss with her hair all the time, not such a bad idea actually. But this was SO cold and impersonal what I saw. If it were me? I would not have her wigs about like that, no one is going to buy someone's old wigs that they wore. I walked around and noticed her dressing room just FULL of her shoes. I don't KNOW where all her jewelry was. I honestly can't even remember when I was on that second floor as when I visited them I just pretty much sat with them, went to see them and did not wander around in their house. I always respected my mother's privacy, never went through her things so it was SO SHOCKING for me to see all her things everywhere the way my sister had it all.

Truth is, what I experienced yesterday traumatized me. I was NOT mentally prepared for anything I experienced yesterday. Truth is, I was not mentally prepared for ALL of the toxic I faced the last years of my parent's lives. I am SO MENTALLY LOST right now, shock, crying, deeply depressed, angry, shocked, tired and getting constant flashes of my sister's horrible angry mean cold face. It's like a creepy horror movie I have been living in. Yet, also VERY SAD too.

I was not MENTALLY PREPARED for yesterday AT ALL or any of what I experienced these past few years. And my sister taking all that money and seeing that accounting of all those withdrawls with my name next to them that I never did. Wow, I was not mentally prepared for all of this VERY TWISTED and CRAZYNESS. A living nightmare I never imagined experiencing in my life. I already was struggling with PTSD, and trying so hard to heal. But my GOD, this has all been sureal and awful. I was not mentally prepared for ANY OF IT, and certainly not yesterday at all.