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nonightowl · Nov 23, 2019 at 02:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CANDC

Hi Anxietysuxs. Sorry for your many losses. That must be difficult to come to terms with all those.

If it is not far away a trip to the graveside can be a release. There was no one around so I talked to my dad as if he could hear me. I think it was saying the things that I was grateful for lifted some of the disappointment in the relationship. It was not easy when someone expects someone like themselves and gets something else completely. But that is my story.

I also wrote some letters or journal entries that I never sent.

Another thing I had to do was accept that they were not coming back and somehow I needed to reinvent who I thought I was. My hopes of a better relationship were no longer viable. I had to see how they helped me and let go of my disappointments.

If any of this fits your situation, I am happy for that. Thanks for listening.

I do visit a friend of mine who died suddenly and unexpectedly a few years ago. I talk to him as if he's right in front of me.

I also wrote some things down to both parents, things I never said or was going to send. It was just to get it out of my system.

Lost both parents in just about 2 years. Dad was the most recent loss, about 4 months ago. I didn't find out where they were laid to rest till about 3 months after he passed. And it took me a month to process the fact that it's FAR, FAR AWAY. I finally made it about 2 weeks ago, and it was 25 miles just one way. I don't drive that much in a month, and I took the streets since I'm scared of the freeways.

It took me almost 2 days to recover from that. Not only was it a long and exhausting drive, the reason or destination is emotionally charged. I stayed about 3 hours, saying what I wanted to say whether they liked it or not, accepted it or not. Wiped me out physically and emotionally. And I wish I didn't have to go alone, but my only sibling (and surviving family) isn't even speaking to me. That's another post or thread. We've been estranged for years, and the death of both parents have just made that rift even bigger.

I didn't have the best relationship with either of them. I said I think some people shouldn't BE parents and they fit that category. They could have "given" a bit near the end instead of being as rigid and distant as ever. I mean, it was going to be too late soon but both stayed as emotionally unavailable as ever.

I don't know why we worship parents in our culture. They are human too, which means they make mistakes and have flaws.

Anxietysuxs, I get your saying it's kind of a sense of freedom. Now with them gone, I can let go of hope that they will ever have an interest in having a REAL connection or relationship, esp. since they were getting older and having health issues. I'm relieved I don't have to listen to my mother's criticism of me or my dad's disdain for emotions or feelings. It's kind of a closure for me. Maybe I wasn't what they wanted me to be, but it goes both ways. And I told them such.

Even in death, they have up barriers from the world: In a locked, glass case in a couple of urns. And located near the entrance, where I had no privacy and people walking by all the time. A grave would have been more private and peaceful.

I won't be visiting them again for at least a few months, as I don't feel like driving that far that often. My friend is located in a cemetery much closer, and I can actually TALK to him. I couldn't talk to them honestly when they were alive, death wouldn't change that.