This makes a lot of sense. That he'll do it if he chooses to, but not if I'm trying to push him to do it. He's often the one to remind me if I forget to pay at the beginning, too--part of the compromise we came up with to avoid the sit down/stand up/sit down thing at the end, plus I like getting paying out of the way, as it's especially awkward to do if it's been a difficult session. And then I feel it emphasizes the business transaction part of it right at the end. Which I think is part of why what he says when we shake hands had more weight to me, as it was "pay, then shake hands." Now it seems a bit less important. (I think this was also partly because with ex-T and ex-MC, I'd pay a receptionist before the session, so that's what I was used to. And with p-doc, I pay a receptionist, though after the session).

I think I'm just trying to figure out what caused him to shift on this and in much of how he's been interacting with me lately because I'm hoping it can stay that way. I think it mostly came down to his doing/saying something that made me feel disconnected/abandoned/like he didn't care, then my reacting to that and sort of looking for proof of caring, then his reacting to that by feeling controlled, which made me feel bad, and so I looked for more evidence of caring, which started the cycle again. He's said he thinks his being away for a week multiple times this summer contributed, too, and that the ruptures started when I'd emailed him the first time he was away asking if he was still alive, and he thought I was being funny, when I was being serious.

I'm rambling now, just trying to sort of think it through...Really it just kind of came down to a sort of misattunement, I guess. And then I reacted strongly and inadvertently pushed some of his buttons, then he pushed some of mine, and so on...