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KathyM said:

I hope this isn't overly blunt, but why did you marry him?

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Honest answer? I was pregnant. I was 24 years old, we had been together for nearly 5 years. It just seemed like the "right thing to do". It's not like he got me knocked up the first date or at age 16 - we'd been together so long, it just seemed like we should make it official for our daugther's sake.

Longer answer? Yeah, I thought I loved him. I wanted to marry him 3 years earlier, but he wouldn't. Of course that hurt. Every time an anniversary or holiday or special thing rolled around, I kept getting my hopes up that he'd propose. Every time he got me earrings or anything in a tiny box...a little moment of anticipation, but then utter disappointment. I don't know why he never wanted to. I always took it to mean he didn't love me enough. Or maybe he was worried about the money (I was deep in debt from college & stupidity with credit cards). He had been a bachelor for so long (he's 10 years older than me) I think he just wanted to keep it that way. I don't know. I've flat-out asked him why, and he never really told me.

I think part of why I stuck with him so long is that I was afraid of being alone. He is the ONLY man who ever really asked me out. Seriously. I went on one date in high school - girl's choice to a Christmas dance. I met him when I was 19. Men just never looked at me. I was really shy, quiet, nerdy. There was one guy my freshman year of college that kept sitting next to me in all our classes - I thought maybe there was something - but I later found out he only wanted to sit next to me because I was smart and he wanted to cheat off my tests and have me help with homework!! So...needless to say...my husband is really the only man who ever seemed to give a damn about me.

But yeah...our relationship wasn't spectactular even before we got married. I was actually half-planning on leaving him. I had been looking for jobs, since we worked at the same company. We still lived together but rarely even saw each other - he worked two jobs, I worked full time plus I was back in school. The reason I got pregnant was actually because of all that....he hadn't touched me in so long that I kinda let my birth control prescription slide. What's the point of taking pills when we weren't ever doing...that...right?

But he's a good man. He would never hurt me. He's an amazing father. We get along - civilly. Just not in love anymore. Haven't been for a while - even before we got married. We live almost like roomates. Or, I'm the maid and the cook, he's the babysitter. It just doesn't feel like a marriage sometimes. But I dunno...maybe I just expect too much.

What Kathy said about "that look" that you can just tell two people are in love, even if they don't say it? Well...it's been years since he's given me "that look."

I blame a lot of it on myself. I know sometimes I get extremely moody and I can be hard to live with. I go back and look at old photo albums, just to see what went wrong....and in the pictures, it's pretty clear to me. I got fat. Very fast. I went from 150 down to 110 pounds then up to 220 pounds all in about 4 years. So fast that I have stretch marks...everywhere. It's no wonder he's not attracted to me anymore.

But then I keep going back to this photo I have of us from 2001 - my "motivation" photo for weight loss. That pic was taken on our first vacation together. I went on a crash diet just before that so I could look decent in a swimsuit. I got down to 110 pounds. Size 6! I was smaller then - 20 years old - than I was in junior high. We got tan on the beach. I have that pic of me that looks pretty dang good. But then I remember that vacation. Even back then....he never wanted to be with me. He was more excited about the midnight buffet and the late-night comedy crap on the cruise...than he was in coming back to the room with me. So...I don't know what his deal is.

But then, the funny thing is, just this week, he has done a few really amazing things that kind of make me sit back and go, ok, wow. Maybe he does still love me. Or at least he's a nice guy.

I had an incident with my car the other day - and he really went out of his way to get it all fixed for me, on his own, so I didn't have to do anything. That really helped. I've been so stressed with work, and that really just helped me so much.

Then the past few nights, our daughter has been waking up a lot during the night. I'm sleep-deprived as it is - getting up at 5 AM to get to work lately. He has got up with her every time, he just lets me sleep. He even made me breakfast the other day since he was still up with her when I was leaving.

So, see....every now and then, we do have our good moments. And overall it really isn't so bad. I probably shouldn't complain so much, I know there are marriages that are 10000 times worse than this one. He is never abusive at all. He is a good father. He's responsible. Really, the only thing missing is the love. He just doesn't show his love very much, and I always take that to mean it isn't there. Or maybe he does show it, but I just don't see it.

But then again....it all goes back to my birthday. And valentine's day. And our anniversary. All three days - he did NOTHING for me. Nothing. I think I got one card, that he just signed his name in - not even a little note from him. How do I NOT take that personally???

I don't know anymore. Sometimes, I do really want to make it work. Especially for our daughter. And I even want another baby soon. I see my little girl playing with her dolls, or with the 5-month-old at her daycare, and my heart just aches for her to have a little brother or sister to grow up with. We are planning to build a house this summer. He's talking about taking our kids on a disney cruise when the second one - who isn't even an egg yet - is old enough to go. So in some ways I do think he wants this, he's thinking of a future with me.

But then I think...is this really all I'll ever get? Is this the best I'll ever have? Live the rest of my life in a sexless marriage where he never says he loves me, he never gets me any gifts or anything. I'll never have a man propose to me. Never know what it's like for someone to actually WANT to marry me. I'll never have someone to tell me that they love me, no matter what, no matter how fat I get they'd still love me for me and help me get healthy.

Ugh...maybe I've just watched too many sappy chic flics. Or maybe I've watched Shrek a few too many times. Life is not a fairy tale...I just need to be happy for what I have and quit complaining. Maybe if I can get out of this stupid depression, or whatever the heck it is I have...then maybe I'd be a little easier for him to love.