Hi!

I don't know if this will be suitable for this forum ("survivors of abuse") but I'm not sure where else to put it... First of all I'm very sorry for my shattered thoughts, I'm having a panic attack or a PTSD attack (rather both).

I have been in the sex trade, "survival sex" or survival prostitution mostly, as in no other options for almost 2 decades (since I was underage). At times I have managed to escape the lifestyle for years, but I kept and keep falling back because that's all I know, I have no other practical options to make ends meet. I have very complex mental health issues since childhood, which is why I keep returning to prostitution instead of being able to find other long term solutions. I understand all of you who want to blame me for this (it's self-caused misery), I'm used to people doing that, but it makes everything more traumatic, so try to be easy with me now, please.

This was it in short, it's a lot longer story naturally, but I would like to focus on one thing that these days causes me the worst of the worst of my panic attacks and PTSD. Every night. Or if ever there is a night when I feel peaceful, I'm relieved.

It was one returning client I had for a couple of years. He wasn't (seemingly) abusive directly, but he was emotionally draining me for a long time, and I feel like I lost the last piece of my humanity because of him. I thought I could take it all and stay strong. I couldn't. I couldn't at first dump him as a client because of my financial needs (he visited me often, and was a huge income for me). I knew I wanted to dump him at one point, because he was exhausting me, and wanted more than just paid sex. Like he wanted my soul too, he wanted me to love him, it was difficult. He also used to promise me everything, lie to me, manipulate me, go back and forth with his promises. So in a way he was emotionally abusive, and I started to question myself, everything. On top of that, I didn't want to sell sex, so it made it more traumatic, but I had to.

One day I decided to end our "relationship", which was an extremely difficult decision for financial reasons. We used to communicate after it, for a couple of years. I never agreed with his lifestyle, I've never understood sex-buying or cheating, lying. I started to tell him the truth about prostitution, more every day. I'm now in tears because I don't even know how to write this. I feel a lot of guilt, I feel like I have to die. He had a wife he was cheating on. I used to tell him he is wrong to do that, I used to say I hate cheating and lying. He was defensive. He "needed" both of us, very entitled. I feel so much guilt, remorse, self-hatred, everything. He was a cheater and a liar. I started to hate him for using my body for money and for demanding more and more. I wish I'd had some basic income, so I could have dumped him right away.

I'm sorry. I think that most people don't understand this, but I didn't mean to hurt his wife by allowing him to use my body for money and manipulate me into his life. I feel disgusted by him, and by prostitution in general, because it's all abuse to me. I do not want to sell sex to anyone, and this was an experience that was the most humiliating to me, my prostitution "relationship" with this client, and all that came after as well. Not even the violent clients left me this shattered. This man manipulated and used me even when he didn't have to (he could have just paid for sex like most of the other clients). I'm sorry, I'm not sure you all understand what I mean.

I mean: he didn't simply use my body for sex like most of the clients (I feel sick about them too, but manage with it as I must), he also wanted to dive into my soul and lie and manipulate me, get some mutual dependence. He lied to me and to his wife, he lived his life full of lies. I wish his wife would know but she doesn't.

We communicated for a long time after the prostitution relationship between us ended. I told him more and more of my real thoughts and my real life. I have nobody in my life, I've even given up my daughter not to ruin her life. We ended our communication at times for a good reasons, and there were months of silence between us again. But still, I'm shattered and living the horrible humiliating memories.

Many things he said brought back the awful memories of our past. I was triggered by his words all the time whenever we communicated, whether he meant it or not. He's obsessed still. I lost my humanity, I lost my soul. I feel like he used me worse than anyone else ever. I hate myself and want to die. I have no life, and I've become extremely depressed.

That's not all, I'm writing this to clear my mind. I'm feeling a lot of pain, anger, hatred, loss...everything right now. I have tried not to contact him but I couldn't help it now that he contacted me again, and I asked him "WHY" again, which was a mistake. Why, as in why did he want our prostitution relationship to continue when I had told him I hate it. I would have ended it a long before I did, if I didn't need the money he brought. I hate myself, I hate my body, I hate everything, I hate him. I'm traumatized by him, and I can't even explain how. I just made the mistake of sending him the message again, I told he traumatized me more than anyone. He'd been contacting me lately for casual chatter, and I've hardly replied. But now I replied to him with so much anger. I want him to feel my pain.

I'm sorry for this outburst, and I'm sorry for his wife, I really want to die of shame and guilt. I have never in my mind accepted cheating and lying, but I've had to practically for money, and I hate myself for it. I'm so sorry. I can't stop crying tonight. Again. I wish I hadn't sent him the message tonight. He had recently contacted me for nothing special, but still triggering my memories. I know I should not give him the power, my anger and bitterness. I don't know if it helps or harms.

I'm not really looking for advice but I just want to get this out of my system. I'm so tired of living in my worst memories.

Thank you for listening! Love to all