My Support Forums - View Single Post - Bipolar Check-in #40

CorpseKeeper · 12:24 PM

I believe i am insane and bipolar and suicidal and homicidal among other things i am currently not on meds i was on stuff that made me unable to function i felt totally locked inside myself i hated everyone and myself i still do very much i dont know why my wife puts up with me everyone else gave up on me its just a matter of time before she does too i guess it all started when

Possible trigger:

i was a child my step father beat me badly i still have scars around my back and mid section i gained alot of weight just so i had stretch marks to cover up some of the scars then when i was in high school i went and stayed with my father who drank and beat me worse about every day

i didnt sociallize at all there was always work to do i got enough financial aid to get the heck out and as far away as possible i was always good at working on cars and made it a career until my past haunts me so much i cant be in a place where theres more than a few people i cant go to grocery with my wife if someone looks at me

Possible trigger:

i feel like smashing there faces and when i get home i want to end my pitiful life i started self medicating in college to cope i did cocaine meth weed and pills acid and shrooms mostly to better whatever mood i was in then id give myself a few days weening myself off with the polar opposite of the drug that gave me the worst reaction then i took to drinking and i feel like my dad so i want to end my life and him too for making me i try i work well now i love my wife but she hates me i know she does i hate me why should anyone else feel any diferent i think im going insane and would like some computer lifeless object to tell me im perfect and that it loves me so i can mess myself up a little less these days also i cant watch tv at all politicsmake me puke on how countries treat eachother although i hate everyone i feelas if they have a right to exist just as i have a right to self medicate and not be here in mind because i cant ever do the deed correctly the pain is too much to bare and i feel bad for leaving my wife if i dont work she dont eat cause the lazy *** refuses to work i love my dog she dont deserve to go to pound ant my wife dont deserve to loose her meal ticket all the **** i put her througn

think i need help really badly