Your thoughts echo my own, man. I especially like "A grim perspective, that makes me imagine my desperate death, miserable for having not lived."

I look back on the few times I've "lived" with great fondness. I was hiking a year or so ago, while on my one-week vacation from work, and I thought to myself, "Imagine how I have to work 51 weeks a year just to live 1." Quite a negative thought indeed, but the fact is I was grateful to be living that one. Nothing like the realization that something is extremely rare to throw it's value and preciousness into sharp relief.

I hope you find something soon to add to the "lived" list; even the prospect of looking forward to such a thing is a warm feeling I wouldn't mind having more often.

Good luck!