Thank you so much for sharing your grief & your sorrow. I'm sorry you are struggling with such shame & guilt & wishing to die. My own situation is entirely different from yours. But in my own way I know a lot about shame, guilt & wishing to die. (I've made a couple of major attempts in the past toward that end. Obviously they did not succeed.) You wrote you're not really looking for advice. And, truthfully, I doubt there is much of any I could offer. I noticed this is still just your second post here on PC though. So I thought I would just say I hope being here can become a source of comfort & support for you. Please take care.