I really don't want to be posting. Put it off all day. Had a horrible morning. No voices, just bad depression and anxiety. Hopeless. See--I don't even want to be saying this! What's the point? I never get better. It just goes on and on and on. Psychosis, then mania, then I want to k*** myself, then I'm hypo. You wanna know how messed up I am? This morning, I wanted a martini. A martini!! I've been sober for 11 years, people!

I just think this is a struggle I can't win. I feel like I've already lost it. I am so sorry I posted this. I don't want to bring anyone else down. But I also don't want to lie. I just can't keep doing this. I can't do this anymore.