I hear you! I don't like to post on the more challenging days. I like to keep to myself on days like this. I don't want to drag people down either.

Yet, the truth is: We are not dragging anyone down. People read here because they want to read here. If anyone is not well enough to tolerate you talking about your challenges, then it is up to him/her to protect him/herself.
As long as we use a trigger alert when it is appropriate to use it, we have been responsible. If someone feels depressed from your posts, the truth is: That person was already depressed. Your post is not responsible for anyone's depression, anxiety or other.

So you'd felt like having a martini this morning? Many sober people have moments when they crave a drink, often a specific type of a drink. Your experience with this is not unusual for people working on sobriety.

More than the fact that you'd wanted a martini, the question is: WHY were you wanting a martini?

When I am feeling overwhelmed, I start taking life an hour at a time. I make sure I am okay this hour. I do the same for the next hour, etc. In time, you will be using time periods like taking things day-to-day.

As you know very well and as your screen name indicates, this illness cycles. Your screen name is clever by the way.

You will not always be stuck in one mood or mindset. I see from your description you may be feeling you do not shift into an "acceptable" state as a part of the various states in which you live?

I apologize, I do not know your history. I do not know how long you have been diagnosed, how long you have been trying various meds/med cocktails, etc.

I really cannot answer to those types of issues/concerns because I am totally ignorant of your experiences/history.

I can say I have known many people who had thought they were not ever golng to make it through their very heavy/demanding challenges. Yet, they did hang in, kept trying when they could do so, rested when they could not.
We all keep trying, keep moving forward at a pace we can tolerate, while we learn more about ourselves, our needs, learn more about which meds work for us and which do not. We have all kinds of experiences on our road to recovery. Some of them might help us. Some of them might change us.

I am sorry, I am not doing a good job of expressing myself tonight and I was reticent to write due to my own hang-ups about not feeling well -- and not because I do not care about you. I do care about your welfare and will step outside of my comfort zone in order to offer some support.

Sometimes, I get through by thoughtfully deciding I am going to hang in and am going to give myself a very good chance at doing better, feeling better, etc.

You are feeling defeated, which I do understand. You are feeling as though this pain is all for naught. I do understand this. I go through this, too.

What happens if you take control of this just enough to make a firm decision to give yourself every chance possible? Why not make a firm decision to do this? What is there to lose?

I believe in you. I believe in your ability to hang in with this and with us, at least until you are feeling better, are in a better place.

I'll post here when I am having a crappy day if you will do the same?

Remember: Slow and steady wins the race!