I had a quiet day with my dog. It's funny how my feelings evolve. At the moment i can't understand why i reacted in such anger yesterday when my friend cancelled on me. Truth be told, i didn't want to go to the hockey game either. I feel too weak and frail to go anywhere much less a rambunctious sports event several hours long with public transit both ways. I bought the tickets in September when i was manic and had no insight that i would ever come down. The money was already spent. I could have just written it all off to a bipolar SNAFU, making plans too far in advance. I wish i'd told my friend that it was fine, that i wasn't feeling well anyways and wished her a nice dinner.


Instead, i flew off the handle and ruined the rest of my day and parts of today. It's not really the question of bottling my anger up or of expressing it. It's a question of why did i get angry in the first place? I didn't want to go to the game and here was a golden opportunity to get out of it . . . . Why didn't i just say, whatever, and bow out peacefully?


I wonder if it's about my own fear and pain of rejection . . . . Very sensitive to rejection. Overly so. Unreasonably so. Irrationally so. Probably due to my divorce, i guess. The devastating global rejection by my ex-husband.


Well, i certainly was the source of my own misery in this incident. Thing is, i'm not feeling that bad, moodwise. I'm not manic and i'm not depressed so it's a mystery to me why i would have such an extreme reaction . . . . Maybe my mood is lower than i realize. I overate yesterday and today and slept-in 90 minutes today . . . . Perhaps i *am* depressed or well on my way there???