Hello everyone. I don't post here as often as I used to - in part bc I am not constantly depressed as I used to be and in part bc I fear things I did not use to in regards to public forums.

To that end I will say that though I am fearful of certain things - the people on this forum have encouraged and helped me a lot in the years I have been here. For that reason alone - I continue to periodically post.

This is one of those times.

Lately I find myself crying n not always knowing why. I find myself wishing I would not live anymore. I find myself thinking of all the problems in my life and concluding life will never get better.

I have a slipped disc in my lower back. Happened about 3mo ago. Today is the first day since it happened I have not been in constant pain. I am not sure if its bc I have this severe physical pain that is bringing on this depression or if it is a "true depression" (as in the way I experienced depression in the past).

I am extra sensitive to things said - or not said.

Two examples from things regarding interactions with my husband (the only person I see on a daily basis).

When I had just got up and was severely stiff. I asked him to throw something away bc I now walk with crutches (sometimes without but only short distances of about 10ft at max and only when I feel good enough to try it). I seen he was drying his hands in the kitchen so I figured he was about to return to the living room. When I asked, he immediately started yelling bc he was about to cook (something I did not know) and ended by saying I was lazy. - That hurt bc I do try to do as much (and sometimes more) as I can. I even pick up trash in areas I am able to safely do so. This morning though, I was having trouble even walking with the crutches bc I was so stiff.

Later, when he was going to bed, I said "good night, love you". He said "good night" (no "I love you too") so that got me thinking (even solidifying) that I dont matter to him.

It's not just him though.

I find myself wondering if my back will ever get better (I was advised to go to physical therapy and so I am but my copays prevent me from going more than twice a month).

I find myself thinking things would be better for everyone if I were not alive.

I find myself wanting to go back to therapy (been out of it over 2yr now) but dont have enuf $ atm.

I find myself expecting nothing good from life.

I find myself just trying to basically distract myself every moment of every day.

So - could this stem from my physical pain or is it the long term emotional pain that was once so constant in my life (over 30yrs)?