Well, after that positive post I made yesterday, I gave up and got in bed. I guess that's where I go when I just can't do it anymore. Fell asleep at some point around 3ish and finally woke up at about 515--this morning. Some sort of bizarre miracle, since I normally can't sleep.

Took all my meds almost 2 hours ago and still just wiped out. Usually, the Provigil and the Wellbutrin do a good job of waking me right up for the day. Oh well.

Thank you so very much Jennifer, Nammu, and WC for your kind words and support. I am so grateful. And to everyone who didn't post but who had positive thoughts or vibes--thanks so much to you.

And just to clarify a few things, since I'm kinda newish and since someone was wondering. I have childhood-onset BP 1, but it was not formally diagnosed until 2005 (massive manic/psychotic episode, kinda like last week). I don't think I am outting myself at this stage by just coming out and saying that, while I was a laser surgeon by training, most of my income came from designing surgical lasers for companies in the Bay Area and the UK. I lived on an airplane, mostly overseas, and I think this was a bad career choice for my bipolar stuff.

Anyhoo, I again became psychotic in June of 2007, when I believed I had to somehow get from my house on the river to the Alano Club, three miles uptown, in three minutes' time or a nuclear bomb would detonate. It was Friday rush hour. That drive is maybe twelve minutes in those conditions. When it became clear I wouldn't make it, I became despondent, having let down my city, and drove my SUV head-on into the Fremont Bridge abutment at 60 mph. Right before I struck the concrete, I had the single most spiritual experience of my life. Suddenly, everything but me just disappeared. The car interior, the street, cars, bridge--everything. Just--gone. All replaced by the most gorgeous, perfect, vivid, bright, white tunnel lined by these lights that were just flawless and wondrous. It was perfect. And I knew. My faith wasn't for nothing.

I have spent massive amounts of time in the hospital. Tons of med changes. After my car incident, the vast majority of my family excommunicated me, so that I only have contact now with my elderly dad, who is great, and my partner/non-partner/don't even know what we are anymore... and my wonderful 11 year-old daughter, Kensie.

So, that's way more than enough--sorry. Last thing is that ending my own life is not an option, even though I really want to do it sometimes. The reasons are spiritual/religious. My religion does not permit suicide. I guess that's a good thing, given how I feel about my life sometimes.