Hello next: I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to Psych Central.

I'm sorry you are experiencing so much difficulty. You wrote you don't want to see a psychologist. However, from what you wrote, it sounds like seeing someone would be in your best interest. Perhaps a mental health therapist, rather than a psychologist, would feel at least a tiny bit less intimidating for you? Or as an alternative might you, perhaps, make a start by "seeing" someone on-line?

It sounds to me as though the key here may be to figure out some way to make a start... even a tiny one... & then build from there. Hopefully coming here to PC can be a first step in that direction & that you will find PC to be a source of support & comfort for you. I hope you find PC to be of benefit.