Hugs, NP, please try not to put all the blame on yourself. I know it's hard--I blamed myself for a long time for ruining the relationship with ex-MC, like, "If only I hadn't sent that 'I love you' email, everything would have been OK." But it wasn't that simple. And I felt like I'd ruined things with Dr. T once or twice as well. I imagine you're a lot like me, in that you tend to blame yourself for things rather than other people. That you think it's all your fault. I know I tend to be a people pleaser, and the thought of someone being upset or angry at me was always terrifying, as I was sure it would lead to abandonment--Dr. T has helped me a bit with that, but it's a long process to change those sorts of thought patterns.

Your T's harsher reply may have been partly because he's away and is more in "vacation mode" rather than "T mode." A couple of the emails from Dr. T that have upset me the most have been when he's been out of town. Where it just didn't sound like *him*. And I realized he's probably just in a different mindset when away. Things can also sound much harsher over email than in person--it can be easy to read them with the worst possible tone. I don't think your relationship with your T is ruined--this could be partly that he feels bad for offering you a session, then taking it away, and he thought a phone call would be an acceptable solution. And he feels bad for hurting you, and it's coming out as defensiveness.

I hope you can work through all of this with your T...