Ok... I twisted my own arm to make myself post this again. Hope someone gets something good out of it.

<font color="blue">Beauty Is In The "I"

There is much talk today about boundaries, personal power and positive affirmations. Core to these aspects of personal awareness is the "I" statement. Whether in conversation with another or as part of the self-talk (our internal running commentary on what we are doing or what we perceive others as doing),** the "I" is critical to boundary clarification and personal empowerment. This article will address the role of the "I" in boundary clarification.

For a moment, close your eyes and imagine your boundary. It should encircle you and separate you from the "outside world." Everything inside of the boundary is YOU, everything outside is OTHER. Inside the boundary are all the aspects of Self that defines YOU as a unique individual. YOU are defined by your wants, needs, likes, dislikes, beliefs, loves and passions. The many aspects of Self are owned by the word "I" and when communicated, allows Others to know something about who you are. When you tell someone "I want..." "I need..." or "I feel..." you are sharing pieces of who you are with them. "I" statements are uniquely yours, and reflect values and aspects of the self that may or may not be shared by those around you.

Boundaries can be thought of as firm yet flexible. Your boundary moves with you and is selectively "permeable." You are in charge of what you allow into your boundary. If something comes at you that you agree with or fits your experience of yourself, you can choose to allow it in and incorporate it into your "I" messages and self-talk. If, however, something is not a part of you or is not true for you, you can choose to leave it outside of your boundary.

Many of us struggle with "You" statements or critical comments that may be thrown our way. Often, people share with me their deep hurt from what others say or think. They have not developed an internal mechanism for disarming these potentially toxic messages.

If you remember that your boundary is in your control, you can choose to let other's thoughts and opinions stay outside. Their negative statements are not automatically "Yours." If they are not brought in and owned bye the "I" they remain in the real of the "Other." You do not have to take them on. If someone pays you a compliment, you can choose to take it in, but it is still about the other. If I say I like something about you, I am telling you something about my preferences, values or opinions. If I tell you that I hate the same thing, I am still telling you something about me.

Remembering that other's opinions tell us something a bout them, not about us, is very important! When we are children, we learn much of who we are by what others tell us about ourselves. Hopefully, the messages have been positive. However, it is more commonly true that we hear critical and toxic messages that we internalize and make part of our own self-talk. As an adult, being aware of these critical messages, and making the choice to re-evaluate whether the messages are Yours, or belong in the realm of the Other, allows you to begin the process of changing your old self-talk into new empowering, nurturing messages. It is the first step toward defusing and disowning a message that has no place in your repertoire of self-talk.

"You" messages usually are inherently boundary violations. No one else can tell us what we think or fell, though often Others will try to do this very thing. You are the only one living in your body, and the only one who can report to an Other what you think of feel. Others can ask, they may assume, but they cannot KNOW until we tell them with our "I" statements.

It is important for us to take note of how we think and feel about the many choices we face daily. If we become captive to everyone else's ideas as to what we should or should not do, we lose our sense of who we are. The boundary blurs and we will not differentiate who we are from others around us.

So, remember to visualize your boundary. You have control over it. It belongs to you. What is inside is YOU, what is outside is OTHER. Everything inside composes the "I" and who you are. This is dynamic and growing as each day brings new awareness and insight. Living with the "I" keep your boundary clear and the Self empowered.
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Sheila K. McHenry Worman, Psy D., MFCC

**Self-talk: (we’ve talked about this before) it’s not only the running commentary that Dr. Worman speaks about, but more importantly, our own self-judgement and names we call ourselves. These can be names we were called as kids by our school mates, siblings and even our parents and family. When you accidentally drop something, do you call yourself a klutz? When you make a mistake, do you call yourself a dummy or stupid or say “I can’t ever do anything right!”? (Black or white, all-or-nothing thinking.) My personal favorite is “You stupid s---!” Don’t no one else call me that or you might find your head rolling on the ground! So what am I doing to myself, huh? We all do it.

My ex used to tease me when I was having panic attacks really bad. I just knew I was dying! He told me that the epitaph on my headstone should be “See? I told you I was sick!” LOL Looking back, I remember sitting at my dressing table getting ready to go somewhere and telling myself “I’m scared! I don’t want to go!” Had I known what I was doing to myself, I would have changed that to “I’m excited! This is going to be FUN!” But I managed to convince myself I was scared. Negative thoughts, phrases and feelings sneak in or are fed to us and before we know it, we’re repeating them over and over to ourselves and we believe it.

It’s not only self-talk that’s defeating. With our actions as well as our own words, we project to others what we think of ourselves. We repeat it over and over here on the board, as well. We close our mind to the positive things we hear about ourselves, the compliments we’re paid, the strengths others see in us, throw the compliments back in the face of those who offer them by denying what they say and go back to repeating the negative in our minds.

So what’s the antidote to all the negative stuff we’ve been feeding ourselves?? Exactly the opposite!! We need to start our day by looking at ourselves in the mirror and say “I am... intelligent. I am... graceful. I am... loving. I am... caring. I am... generous. I am... in control. I am... full of peace. I am... enough. I am... responsible only for my own feelings.” and anything else we need to tell ourselves in order to counter all the negative junk. We needn’t feel discouraged. Look at all the years it took us to program ourselves to be the way we are now! Many of us had help from our family of origin, from "friends" in school, etc. It will take a while to counter that, but it CAN be done!</font>