Not sure if people saw my threads in August. While at our marriage counselor, my wife told me she wanted to separate. After significant discussions over a multiple day period we were able to agree to stay together. A lot of it had to do with poor communication. There were numerous things I was doing that built up a large amount of resentment in her. However, she literally never expressed her feelings and just went with whatever I was saying or doing. It certainly wasn't my intention to hurt her, but I did and just never understood it because I couldn't see the forest through the trees (I've actually started a book I'm calling "A man's guide on how to not ***** up your marriage" until I come up with a better title).

So from her perspective I inflicted significant emotional trauma on her. She has talked about the fact that she thinks she has PTSD (I don't think she does, but I do believe she has aspects of it - and I encouraged her to speak with our counselor in couples sessions or individually to get a professional diagnosis). She definitely has triggers that cause strong emotions.

And that's what I want to ask about here.

So things are usually great. Yes, it's only been 3.5 months, but for the most part it has been a great 3.5 months with a renewed relationship that almost feels like when we first met. HOWEVER, at times I will do things that will trigger severe emotional responses which result in intense feelings of hatred towards me. She has a lot of things that haunt her from our past. Whether I think they are valid or not is not relevant. She has them, and they end up reverting her back to a very bad place with regards to her feelings about our marriage. We talk through the issues and usually end up better for them, but she has not been able to figure out how to reduce this feeling of intense hatred - even after numerous conversations.

I think part of the issue is forgiveness but I could be completely wrong. She is still holding on tight to these issues from our past. Perhaps it's a safety net because she'e not ready to trust me. Holding on to the resentment and not forgiving me creates a barrier of protection, reminding her not to completely trust me, even if the feelings do ultimately hurt her. She's not ready to forgive me and I'm OK with that. I have patience and it's best for her to do this on her own schedule and not mine. However, when she has these "hatred attacks" it pushes us very far backwards and I'm concerned that she'll never move forward enough to sustain a continued long term relationship. At some point she'll just say she can't get over the pain and the hurt and that it's not fair to either her or me.

However, she also says she wants to move forward, and that she recognizes that after our discussions I'm a completely changed person bearing little resemblance to the person who hurt her (the things she had problems with were well within my control to adjust without a feeling of resentment or a "she's changing me into someone I'm not" feeling). But that she's very concerned because at times - when she triggers - she also sees the person she hates and it's hard to live with this split feeling.

I'd like to help her move forward. I've suggested that we cover this topic at our monthly marriage counselor meeting. Everything I've read says it's a bad idea to have a different individual counselor while going through marriage counseling as they will not be privy to all sides of an issue and may disrupt advancements in couples sessions.

But what else can I do to help her move forward? Are there books people would suggest she reads that will help her let go of the past and move towards forgiveness and positivity? Websites? Blogs? Videos? I don't want to tell her what to do because that might come across as controlling, so that's why I'm asking YOU. Any suggestions would be appreciated!

Thanks so much, and sorry for the long post!