Hi everybody!

This is my first post with Psych Central Forum, so this may be a bit long. I came here for peer support and to connect with other users who may be struggling with the same disorders that I am. While I do appreciate it, I’m not necessarily looking for emotional solace, or therapy. I’m actually undergoing through therapy right now and I would like maintain boundaries by keeping it in a professional setting.

But I what I am searching for is healthy and helpful advice/ ideas from other’s who have been, or are currently in my shoes. I’m struggling with PTSD-related to Military Sexual Trauma, Anxiety, and Major Depressive disorder, and all of these things have had an impact on my life in the last year and a half, both the positive and negative. Something terrible happened to me that I didn’t quite ask for, but it’s given me more texture. I’m learning that I’m unique.

I’ve over come so much, like changing my perception of the world and adapting a more positive, factual mindset. I’ve been kicked out of PTSD treatment and faced multiple hospitalizations due to reckless behavior, but I pick myself up each time. I’ve improved greatly, but I’m still struggling with some minor things though, which I believe I can do outside of therapy. So I’m here to find for ways to help me keep progressing towards finding my new self and finding out where I want to be in life.

Before the trauma that I survived in March 2018, I would’ve considered myself to be energetic, motivated, sociable, adventurous, and outgoing, but also a little sensitive and dramatic. I was achieving all of my goals in the US Navy and in college, and I was happy in a three year relationship with a man that I loved. Unfortunately, I never reported these events to authorities until a few months ago, and it took me three months to seek out medical and mental health support while I was deployed overseas for ten months. I felt like a plain white board where my self understanding was wiped away, and I didn’t know who I was.

I didn’t understand my own personality, or what I wanted.

Coming home in January 2019, my social skills felt like they completely went down the drain. I had no interest in talking to anyone, didn’t want to do anything, lacked trust towards everybody, completely had a negative mindset, was angry, and I felt like a robot with no emotions. I was so wrapped up in the trauma and trying to get help, that it’s all I wanted to talk and think about. I was angry at the world. I was saw as ‘toxic’ by those who don’t understand, and I’m still trying to learn how to repair those relationships.

Recently, I’ve come to realize that I’m not PTSD or ‘rape’ but rather, I’m a human being who survived something terrible. I’m learning to take control of my own life, and I want to change it, but I’m struggling to find out how. I struggle with socializing and making new friends because I recognize that I don’t feel like my ‘old self”. I’m unsure of who I am, what to say, or how to approach others.

While I’ve been working hard to continue maintaining a positive mindset, taking interest in other people, and trying to feel close to others by being vulnerable with them, I’m so nervous about rejection. I will shut down immediately and become ashamed, embarrassed, and resentful if I feel that someone doesn’t like me, or what I said. I will jump from 1-10 in an instant, becoming bitter and even snapping at people if they look at a message and don’t respond. After that, I may blow their phone up and tell them how I feel, or I will still keep my hopes up that they will reach out to me. I’ll try meeting someone new, but this process repeats, so I’m trying to identify where I can improve in terms of boundaries.

This also leads to me always being on my toes around someone when I first meet them, and I become reserved even though that’s not how I want to be. The relationship is cut short when all I want to do is ‘connect’ and feel harmony. I want to feel close, accepted, even maybe loved? Not just romantic, but as a person, I want to feel belonging and joy, not lonely. I feel that people may be scared by my desire to want to feel close and mistake it for being “clingy.”

It’s hard to admit this, but I think some of this may be caused by me opening about my trauma too early (not maintaining boundaries), or possibly they don’t know how to deal with my constant nervousness. I think I also struggle with social cues, and how to set appropriate expectations in relationships.

My question is, what steps do you think I can start taking to improve my relationships with friends l/ loved ones? I’d love to hear about your personal experiences too, and how certain techniques have helped you. I want as much information as I can get.

Thank you🙂