When my dear Mom died, whom I loved with all my heart, everything was in order. It was beautiful, as beautiful as losing a dear loved one can be. Our last words to each other were, "I love you...I love you too." Her wake was filled with friends and family who loved her. There was a beautiful Mass celebrated for her, and at her funeral the sun shined down at just the right moment.

But with my dear Dad, whom I love most on Earth, Everything is going to be different...

I live with him and my stepmom, and he is kind and patient with me in my mental illness, and I try to do everything I can to make things easier for him (probably too much!) as his strength weakens, in gratitude for all he has done for me, but I don't have a sense that I'll even be able to say I love you and goodbye before he dies. I do tell him often, in advance, but it's not the same. There is such an aching sense of incompleteness, of unfinished business, an awkwardness that prevents me from speaking to him about the deeper things in life. I have so many questions, but there is really only one that I feel I need answered, and that is "Why?"