It's 2:30am here and I can't sleep, so I figured I might as well do an early check-in! Good morning everybody! The inside of my left ear hurts, and when I bend over at the waist and the blood rushes to my head, there are weird feelings running from my ear and into my head that shouldn't be there. I SHOULD go to my ENT and have him drain my ear(which I'm supposed to have done about every few months), and have him check it out and look for infection, but I won't tell my Dad or Stepmom. My Dad already has to take me to pick up my psych meds, and is in charge of giving me my daily meds since my safety plan is to keep all alcohol and pills locked up because of my suicide attempt in 2016. I regret that attempt deeply, but much good came out of it because I was an alcoholic and I stopped drinking. And I won't ask my dear Stepmom to drive me because she does so much keeping the house in order and making nutritious/delicious meals for us most of the week. And she, along with me are uneasy, watching my dear Dad's health deteriorate. So I don't want to give her or me additional stress. What if I had an infection and needed meds for it, what if I had to go far away to see a specialist again. I can't deal with that right now so all I can do is hope that it will get better on its own. (Many times it has before.) I know I shouldn't worry about "If" this or that, but go forward and take care of business. I even read once that 80% of the things we worry about never happen, but nevertheless, I can't deal with it right now.

P.S. The reason my ear is messed up is because when I was 17 I was in a near fatal car accident. It was completely my drunken fault, and my sister was in the car with me. No one was hurt thank goodness, but my dear sister, (I have two!) although not physically hurt, I believe bears the scars of that night. She says she was glad for that accident because it stopped her from ever driving with alcohol in her system or above the legal limit, I can't remember which. As for me, I had to have an emergency crainiotomy, and my ear was hurt where my skull was fractured on the t-top of my car. That's why I have problems with it today. A miniscule price to pay for the lives I could have taken, including my own, in my young ignorance, foolishness, a feeling of invincibility. Thank you for listening.