My guard was way up during today’s session . I thanked R for the e-mail regarding autism training. Then I ended up on a tangent about my rejected article. After we talked about that for a bit, R said:
‘You asked me to ask you about P. I don’t know whether you wanted to start there, but I remembered your e-mail.’
‘I asked you to ask me about P because The Critic isn’t involved if it is a direct conversation.’ I told The Critic to go away.
‘The thing is – it’s quite something when a professional all but says they don’t think you are capable of dealing with your own stuff.’ I continued:
‘At that time the focus was on the cinema experience. And I quote: ‘if I am going to facilitate you getting back to that place you were in in the cinema, I need to know that you can cope without your shell.’
‘What jumps out at me there is ‘I need to know.’ How does that make you feel?’
‘I feel angry and hurt.’ R praised me for naming emotions.

‘It would be like me saying: ‘Lost, before we talk about this, I need to know that you aren’t going to get emotional.’

‘Is it even possible to do therapy that way?’

‘I feel anger on your behalf. Working in that field involves being able to hold difficult emotions.’
‘I feel as though my anger is a barrier to living my life…and I don’t want it to be a barrier to our relationship. Those words echo like the stuff I am trying to process.’

‘It’s difficult, if not impossible to unheard things. I want to say some words, and I am going to say them louder, in the hope that they sink in. I can hear difficult things. I can hold difficult things. Within our relationship, you are free to be you. I can write something if you would like, or put it in an email.’

‘That would be useful.’

‘Don’t ask me to repeat it…One more thing. Within this space – you are safe.’

‘Thank you.’

I let that sink in for a moment and then began to talk about my desire to let people in. ‘I know how to give, but I don’t know how to receive. The only time I have allowed myself to receive, it was taken away.’
‘Just to clarify – I think I know what you are talking about, but are you referring to your relationship with Chris?’

‘Yes…and that is stupid and sad.’

‘It’s stupid and sad?’

‘Everything I wanted to give to Chris, but could no longer give, I gave to them. Such a waste of a huge part of my life, and the best parts of myself.’

‘Which you gave freely?’
‘I am so flipping tired…no. I am so ****ing tired of being brave.’

‘Stay with it…what else are you tired of?’

‘I am tired of pretending this didn’t happen.’

I talked about the layers of the situation, and R explained that if we take away the ‘didn’t happen’, we are left with what I was told, and my feelings.

‘It sounds like you are trying to say that because it didn’t happen, you don’t need to feel it.’
‘But that’s avoidance, with a capital A.’
‘I’ve spent a whole session not talking about the thing I wanted to talk about.’

‘I hear your disappointment. Have I colluded in your avoidance?’
‘The Critic, or the version of P that exists in my head…I’m not sure whether they’re the same…is still saying it’s not safe.’
We have decided that we will discuss the anger more directly next week.