...Hi everyone!! So I've only made one post here before which talked about my relationship with my father. But i couldn't really put a lot of details in that post of just how my father behaves and how it effects me and i wanted to write about that because I've pretty much reached my breaking point..
( Warning: this will be very long. But id be grateful if you just took the time to respond)

I'll start with today's outburst. The thing with my father is, you never know what will set him off. It could be that his food was too hot or too cold or he lost his keys or he was just irritated for whatever reason. But when something sets him off i know he'll take his anger out on my mother or me.
Today it started because i didn't go to school cause i was sick. He came to my room, yanked my head up by my hair and asked me why i didn't go with his teeth gritted. I could tell he was pissed so i tried to be calm but he was pulling my hair and it hurt. He kept asking me the same question and i gave him the same answer and he would just tell me i was a liar, a cheat etc everytime. And he yanked my hair with every answer till i got frustrated by it and yelled at him. Now he started yelling too, calling me names and throwing things. I don't even know why but i yelled for my mom. When she came to my room he made up this story about how "that piece of filth" had yelled at him even though he just asked me a question.

At this point I was in this weird state of my mind I'm in sometimes where all i can feel is panic and i can just cry and barely even form coherent sentences. Like I just want to hurt myself so i pull my hair or scratch my skin or something and there's just one thought on a loop in my head like "stop stop stop" so that's what I kept saying to him. I kept crying just telling him to stop please and then my mom yelled at me to shut up because what would the neighbours think?
Now i mentioned that he usually takes his anger out on mumma or me but whenever his outbursts are directed at Mumma i do my absolute best to defend her and just let him take all his anger out on me. And whenever she's crying i always try to comfort her however i can. And the fact that she would yell at me just really pushed me over the edge and i started crying so loudly, just hitting myself and pulling my hair.
My father started mocking me, he got on the ground and imitated my sobs and mumma just kept yelling at me "are u insane? Have u lost your mind ?? You disgust me" etc
I don't really even remember what happened after that. Like I just blanked out. I remember my father got me a kitchen knife and told me to cut myself with that instead and i remember that i tried to get up from the bed but he just kept pushing me down, calling me a ***** and dirt and animal and all those names. But i dont remember when and how he left my room.

I do remember sitting in my room just crying my eyes out. And i remember my father coming into my room every half an hour to tell me stop the dramatics, nobody said anything to me, that i deserved everything he did because i was the most ungrateful, selfish, disobedient, self absorbed animal etc. And i remember my mom passing by my room, watching me cry and just walking away. When i tried to talk to her about it after my father had left for work she told me i made a big deal out of nothing and i was wasting her time.
After that all i can think about is how desperately i want to die. I just want to stop existing. Usually, when i have these thoughts some time later i realise i have a lot to live for, but after today i really don't. It's funny because my father has been way worse than this before but my mother's words really took something out of me. Now I'm just looking forward to a time when i can gather enough courage to kill myself.