As I mentioned in another thread, I have been on a shadow journey for years. I have always had a spiritual side but didn't trust enough. Sometimes we have to feel lost for a while so that we know how important our spiritual journey is. Things have to go wrong so that we can be humbled and learn how to trust. There is a plan for us--we look within for it and we participate in molding it. We just have to sincerely ask for guidance and look for the signs. There our signs everywhere. Once our heart is open, we will see them. You are in my prayers. You are a wonderful person. What you are going through will eventually be revealed. It is important to slow down and learn to listen. Our worries and fear block our ability to be our best self. That you want it so much means that it will come when the time is right. Hugs to your friend. You are in my prayers!