[That would actually be an interesting thread topic or interesting for others to discuss in this thread,what integration means to them,what they think it means,etc.[/QUOTE]

42 years ago I was in Transactional Analysis therapy but not diagnosed DID. I had been aware of two personalities for a few years and was dealing with severe conflicts. One felt very held back by the other. Apart from therapy, I arrived at my own solution for manipulating the other personality into giving me its energy. There were some bad consequences and I can't go into what technique finally actually did something (through a spiritual counselor). After that the conflict was gone and I went on to a new career.


An example of the difference is a therapist had me say "I like to fight". She asked me does that look like me. I had admitted it did - pretty combative in a lot of ways. She asked me how saying it felt. I had to admit it felt wrong - I really did not like to fight. After the integration, I was assertive and related more to liking to argue and win, but it was much more normal and productive. The negative feeling about it was gone.


This past year I was doing a Celebrate Recovery step study where we identify offenses we suffered and what the effect was. My sponsor noted my original split probably occurred through one when I was 4. I could remember what happened just before and what happened afterwards but not the actual beating. I was surprised when others expressed sympathy b/c I had no such feelings about it. Then it suddenly occurred to me I had no feeling about it because it happened to "her" not to me.

That part was created to take punishment b/c in my 4 yr. old mind the punishment had to be something Mom did to keep me from doing something worse. A few months later when living with relatives one overreacted when I hit my cousin in the head with a metal gun. She said I could have killed her. That was the worse thing and it made me feel terrible I was so bad I could kill someone without meaning to. It confirmed to me I had to be very careful to keep from making mistakes and to punish the other one whenever I did. I'd been doing that for so many years that part which was supposed to Do Nothing but take punishment started acting out. For quite a while I would lose things I knew I had put in a particular place. Could look in that place several times. It would not be there but then one day it would be there just out of the blue.


My sponsor thought that part still existed, did not integrate with the others. My first response was "It is scary to think I might not be real", meaning maybe I am the one made up like in the movie the 13th Floor. She said we are all real.


I had to know if she was losing these things so I prayed to find out. I went to a party 2 hours away one day and was baking a salmon in the oven. I know I turned the oven off before I left thinking the heat in the oven would be enough to cook it and it would be ready when I got back. When I got back the oven was still on. That really freaked me out. I had to talk to my sponsor about it. I was scared b/c she is only 4 and could have burned the house down. And I was mad because I created her for one purpose and she was not supposed to do anything on her own (I didn't create her to have a "free will")


Anyway what made the difference in this case involved a big emotional conflict I had with another person who triggered her on the issue of punishment. There were a whole host of things that upset me emotionally that day so I could not sleep all night. Had to take something. Next day I was calm enough to realize I had to do a forgiveness exercise. I had already realized I held a lot of resentment against God for making me the way He did and had to ask forgiveness for that resentment once I realized the Big Picture of why humans are born with the limitations we have. Then I had to forgive myself for punishing myself all those years and I had to ask the 4 year old to forgive me and to really stop the punishing. And I had to forgive the person I disagreed with.


I felt immediate peace in doing that. Then I had a good talk with someone else about it and he had me deal with the limitations I so resented. I told him what it was that I feared the most, killing someone by accident. He has a reputation as a prophet and said he doesn't see that happening to me. I asked if that part would integrate now and he said yes.


One big change is I used to have a spider phobia so bad I once actually crashed my car because of a small spider crawling on the windshield. All of the sudden it was gone. I got in my car and there was a medium sized spider on my steering wheel. I just angrily smashed it with my bare hand. I would have never done that before.

As far as the integration goes, something I realized is all my empathy was put in that part. The one thing that has kept me from doing bad things on purpose that would really hurt anyone is empathy. So in a weird way she did keep me from doing bad things but not b/c I punished her. I still have trouble accepting the "mercy" side of me because it feels weak and my assertive, fight against evil side feels strong. So while I believe the losing things problem is gone, the full integration of who I am is still in process.