Yesterday I had to cancel my plans to go to a big family gathering. My anxiety was overwhelming. There was no way I could drive the 50 minutes each way, or feel trapped by getting a lift with my sister and kids. My family are a BIG trigger right now. Instead I curled up in a ball in bed and tried to stay safe. I also used a lot of coping skills, and some meds. Still, it was a battle.

Today has been a little better. A good friend who I haven't seen for six months came over. She is very easy to be around, and knows me very well so I didn't have to put on much of a front. She also suggested I go to hospital (my T did on Friday), but the thought of being trapped in there freaks me out. Also, I am paranoid someone will harm me in there. So I am trying to ride it out alone at home. Panic + paranoia + SI are a bad mix. Right now I am safe, but that could change any minute. I want to live. I really do. Unfortunately, when the anxiety gets extreme my thoughts get more paranoid and distorted so I get very confused as to what to do.

On Tuesday I see my pdoc. I am not happy with him right now as he ignored my crisis call last Thursday. So now I don't trust him. Another reason not to go to hospital. What can they do anyway? I can run away from hospital. They cannot save me. Only I can save myself, and I am trying so damn hard to. I am trapped. The worst feeling I could have. This makes me desperate to escape. I will not stop fighting, but I sense my time is running out. To top it off it is getting close to Christmas. Another trigger.

Sorry to be so dark. I feel I don't contribute to this forum. I feel so isolated yet struggle to interact. Maybe it's time for me to sign off for good.