Quote:
Originally Posted by Wander
Yesterday I had to cancel my plans to go to a big family gathering. My anxiety was overwhelming. There was no way I could drive the 50 minutes each way, or feel trapped by getting a lift with my sister and kids. My family are a BIG trigger right now. Instead I curled up in a ball in bed and tried to stay safe. I also used a lot of coping skills, and some meds. Still, it was a battle.
Today has been a little better. A good friend who I haven't seen for six months came over. She is very easy to be around, and knows me very well so I didn't have to put on much of a front. She also suggested I go to hospital (my T did on Friday), but the thought of being trapped in there freaks me out. Also, I am paranoid someone will harm me in there. So I am trying to ride it out alone at home. Panic + paranoia + SI are a bad mix. Right now I am safe, but that could change any minute. I want to live. I really do. Unfortunately, when the anxiety gets extreme my thoughts get more paranoid and distorted so I get very confused as to what to do.
On Tuesday I see my pdoc. I am not happy with him right now as he ignored my crisis call last Thursday. So now I don't trust him. Another reason not to go to hospital. What can they do anyway? I can run away from hospital. They cannot save me. Only I can save myself, and I am trying so damn hard to. I am trapped. The worst feeling I could have. This makes me desperate to escape. I will not stop fighting, but I sense my time is running out. To top it off it is getting close to Christmas. Another trigger.
Sorry to be so dark. I feel I don't contribute to this forum. I feel so isolated yet struggle to interact. Maybe it's time for me to sign off for good.
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Hey Wander. This new round of issues sounds difficult to deal with. I am sorry your doctor blew you off last week. That is irresponsible.
As I read your post it struck me that maybe signing off for good is the opposite of what you need to do if you want to tackle this at home alone. Perhaps you might consider an opposite approach. Maybe you can check in more regularly. Maybe get involved in the other threads offering your helpful insight and support. You have a lot of experience and it might help to distract a bit like a coping skill. Many of us leverage PC in this way.
I know you've been let down and mistreated by a lot of people in your past. Oftentimes, this was done by the people who are meant to love and protect you the most. There are no guarantees that you won't experience issues here, but we are an entire community of people who truly understand. Perhaps you can get the support you need while you work through these rough times alone if you open up more here. Like group therapy online.
You are well liked here and we all want to see you well and back to doing the things you love. Hang strong and remember your own words. 'I want to live.' 'I will not stop fighting.'
