The poetry reading was wonderful......Jane Gentry Vance is the Kentucky Poet Lauret (a 2 year position she holds). She & another poet who is a retired Kentucky school teacher, presented their poetry about their lives in Kentucky. It was a beautiful painting with words....putting you right there in the moment. She also had written several special presentation poems....one about President Lincoln for the bicentennial book describing a photograph of him from the Library of Congress & also about his being shot. Her way with the words were as if you were right there livine in the moment. The poetry was a beautiful glimps of their Kentucky life & her presentation of the spirit & what was lost with the tradgic death of such a special man in our country's history. I was very touched.

I am constantly surprising myself with the new person that seems to be coming out in me......the person I always wanted to be like, but couldn't get my mind there in the past.

Previously, I would go to presentations like this, meetings, or study groups & sit there, never being able to say a word, never being able to express myself, my feelings my thoughts. Always afraid that I would sound stupid or that what I thought had no value that anyone would want to hear. It had always seemed in the past that when I would try to say something, it would get lost under all the others offering their thoughts, ideas, & comments, so even when I tried in the past, I was always invisible. Now, it seems that I actually have a voice that is heard. It is a strange feeling to say something & have what I say be recognized....not only that, but others have the similar thoughts & feelings & it seems to get participation started. The ability to express my thoughts & ideas & have it come out in a meaningful way is situations like this has always been a dream of mine.

The workings of self-esteme is a mystery.......I know that growing up with parents who had no self esteme or confidence & trying to find my way in my own world that I wanted for myself was a constant challenge......most of the time, the lack of it won even though I continually challenged myself to try & change. I would find that performing my flute in front of an audience & being in a career where presentations were constantly a requirement forced the issue, but didnt make it easy......I would still revert back to the safe feelings of sitting & listening rather than participating, but looking at those who were capable of doing what I wanted to be able to do was always haunting me when I found myself in positions like that.

It just seems that this move to Kentucky has been a wonderful chance to make all the changes that I have wanted to make......a chance to leave all the things I didn't like in my life behind & start fresh. To meet everyday's challenges with a new point of view & see the beauty & good in everything life puts before me......even those things that seemingly have no beauty involved.

Looking back at the life I am leaving in my past & the stressors, including the one specific stressor (I love your description Perna......" who will remain unnamed'), I can see where all those negatives in my life would continually bring about more & more negative feelings & outlooks. It's awsome because the positive seems to bring about more positive & it builds on top of itself the same way the negatives did.

It doesn't seems often when ones life allows such a complete break from the negative past & the negative things that were in it....to allow us to start a complete fresh life over again & try to keep focus on only the positive things. (I know this isn't the spiritual forum but......) Everything that has come about in my life with this huge move & complete change I know has been God's plan for me & I can see how my life is completely under his guidance, showing me all the beauty & good that life really is in contrast with the past I have left behind. I know without any doubt that this is God's plan for my life......just as the weather is under God's control with all it's challenges & beauty every day, I see my life in the same way. I never know what I am going to wake up to each morning but at the end of the day, there is always a new wonderful beautyful day along with it's challenges to be thankful for.

Debbie