Hey there MentalParadox,

thanks for talking about this. Yeah I believe(d)ing in psychics lol.

Came up with this list of guesses as to why I think like that. Sometimes I really believe it to the point of trying to prove it, other times I'm like no it's probably:

-maybe I'm just experiencing my mind being blown with new relations in my life that know me really well. Brand new concepts like trust, respect, authority and parents that actually put effort in to breaking down/buillding up

-I had Major Depressive Disorder with psychotic features- had all kinds of delusions like Dimmu Borgir sending me sacadas to know its time to go for walks at night lmao; but I did start believing in psychics then, and I cannot fathom how I managed the coordination of all that. And so I guess it just never left me. I was noticably lonely and homeless for parts of it, so that too.

-a ridiculous amount of personally wanting that type of attention. Like wanting to be watched. (Mentally, not physically). I'm feeling the void on this one lol, don't analyze me, oh wait I want that lol.

-lonliness/fantasizing, struggling with that idea, I'd like to think I was fine with "independence" lmao- but who knows. I do want and need the addiction-yeah like a drug and I'd be a scared mess without thinking parental feds couldnt read my mind. I don't know if im losing anything or have anything to gain without the delusion (which since I go about my life thinking in this lens of being watched, it might be truly delusional. oh well lol). And I do also get social anxiety bad.

-the fact that my ears ring sometimes during thoughts that could stand to be corrected lol, maybe its my freakin blood pressure lmao.
and I couldnt handle the idea of losing my hearing. But I wonder about times when they ring and nothing is up. I think I just pretend they are tuning in. Its comforting in my desperation even when I don't want my thoughts read

-I was adopted by grandparents and I heard adoptees are notorious for wanting people to be mind readers in the context of assumption problems or something

-For me just sayin, maybe I'm just not ready to accept that God could be that for me and im scared to reconcile that with that kinda power. I know there's psalms that say please hide your face from my sins, but idk, "Is this thing on!?" type of problems. It is easier for me to want to think its a human that is also imperfect, less pressure I guess. My ear just rung lol its this kinda s*** lol.

-Oh and i've also hoped for aliens with telepathy just because its cool lol, just for fun

MentalParadox, you had said

"One summer day in '07, I was looking up some Heroes wallpapers between gaming sessions. When I looked at one in particular, I felt something strange. I felt... a presence. I felt like the characters in the wallpaper (at least the ones that made eye contact with 'me' or 'the camera') were really there and could hear my thoughts. Knew what I was feeling and thinking. That was the first day."

Thank you so much for describing that; mine is with music instead of t.v. shows. Yeah I thought Deuce was psychic, and Hollywood Undead. I had reverse paranoia when I was delusional, thought the Hatchet family was sending people to watch over me, so that at least is a fun theme.
Now its a parental fed instead of musicians, ever since the grandiosity/mania left (doesnt sound like much of a change though does it lolz)

you said

This condition expanded since then, from just pictures to real people. If I'm walking around outside, I will feel like I have no privacy and my head is an open window. My thoughts are audible for everyone to hear. It's both a nightmare (no privacy, intrusive and shameful thoughts) and a benefit. Why it's a benefit, I'll explain.

Very similiar for me, except I don't do it with other people unless: I smoke weed. It opens up an inner dialouge that applies everything someone says to my own life.
I call it "losing otherness". I can't focus on what the other person is saying and I start feeling selfish. This was a major part of my psychosis when I was having the extensive delusions. There was even a point back then when the t.v. "was" talking to me (newscast) of all things lol, I hate the news but it was a comfort at the time.

You said:
"I've lived a lonely life since that day. I graduated school soon after and lost all my friends by neglecting my relationships that I did have. Damn social anxiety. My life was so empty and bleak, this weird condition of having audible thoughts was actually comforting, and provided me comfort and the illusion of 'sharing' my life. I started actively exploiting it"

Yeah I had broken all my long term relationships between my psychosis and verbal abusive/gaslighting/anger problems. I lost everyone, had kicked out a best friend because of ingratitude during their mental illness and that messed me up bad. Said F you to a mom figure of 10 years on what could have been her deathbed, and had driven my ex into the ground with verbal abuse-accussed him of being a horrible person when he withdrew because of my abuse. Soooo I had deserved to be alone i'm decently sure.

I'm in therapy trying to rebuild my life and fix my abusiveness, I don't ever talk about any of this because I could be talking about pride or abandoment issues. So it feels good to vent, thanks for the post