I bolded the part that really jumped out.
Hmmmm. I'm going to get straight to it. I think it would be a very good idea to examine how much you get in your own way with these "rules" (and other "reasons why not to do/try things"). When it comes to getting help and maintaining stability, we often have to step out of our comfort zone. We need to ease up trying to call all the shots and LET the professionals do their job. They can't help if we don't let them(!)

Doing the same thing again and again doesn't produce different results (Btw, that is NOT insanity, I don't care *who* said it. It IS, however, completely illogical.) A question I find useful regarding that is "and how is that working for you?". Yeah, it isn't.

I'm sorry you're feeling as you are. Please understand that I say what I say out of caring. I WANT you to feel better. It is frustrating to see all the self-imposed roadblocks. From an outside perspective it's pretty obvious the connection with frequent distress. Sure, there will be troubles, but why add to them?

Please do call your pdoc. Can't descibe what's happening? Sure you can! -- you've written about it here. Maybe print out your posts. If nothing else, at least it would start the conversation.

Make that call first thing tomorrow, ok?