Today started ok but got worse fast. By 2 pm I was planning my exit seriously. The panic, anxiety, and paranoia are unbelievable. After almost acting I called the hospital, and my doctor was able to get me in within hours.

Still, I have mixed feelings about living. I really don’t want to be IP as I’m scared of being harmed. I haven’t seen my pdoc so I have no idea on treatment. Even with benzos and Seroquel on board I’m freaking out. This is the last place on earth I want to be. If something/someone doesn’t help me help myself soon I won’t make it.

I’m terrified. Without being psychotic this is the most vulnerable I’ve been in memory. I battle constantly with my SI. It is intense. I don’t know what you wonderful people can do to support me. Maybe just a post here and there. I’m going out on a limb here. I’m scared no one will respond which would crush me further.

Sorry, I’m struggling to think straight. I’m trying to survive while secretly opposing that. In the end no one can say I didn’t try.