@BirdDancer ,. @whatever2013 , @BethRags Thank you all for your words -- I don't feel so alone in all of this. I would like to say I appreciate each and every answer as it was sincere and compassionate, so thank you. I live in a very small town and my social circle is even smaller (let's just be honest -- it's me, my mom and my cat lol). A lot of support isn't out there -- but I'll figure out something.



@fern46 I do see things a bit differently than you do fern46, but I think it's great you have the ability to transform and create positive experiences. If I had a mentality , perhaps it would be somewhat possible, but I just don't see the world that way. You asked if my belief was that all interactions create a drama filled state? Is it your belief that allowing someone into your life means you have to engage in drama. Short answer is -- no, but it's a bit more complex that that.


However, you can't control or change people -- and people will have their own agenda. No amount of wishing, hoping, "good vibes" or sincerity I put out there will ultimately change that fact. What I mean is, despite believing everyone is 'basically good' or are looking to put their best foot forward, it doesn't change reality. I've been jaded enough times to develop these sentiments. It's not worth filtering or the time it takes to perhaps find that good friend. It's not for me anyway. The gossip, lies, deceitfulness, or just manipulative behaviors are all I've really ever experienced. Genuine people are rare to come by, and may never come despite looking. I don't hate people, or think they're all out to get me -- it's just enough experience has taught me having your guard up is a must, and sometimes it's best just to never let it down. One of my biggest frustrations are ulterior motives and manipulation. A classic example -- my mother used to ask me to go to the store with her under the premise of carrying the larger and heavier things for her from the store... which in turn turned into "I don't have the money to pay for this right now, can you?" when we get to the checkout (money I'll never see again, mind you). Right there is a case of manipulation. Friendships haven't been much better in that respect. I accept the fact I am mentally ill and have unhealthy coping skills. I'm not denying that this mentality is unhealthy and unrealistic for the world we live in... but it's who I am today, and it's a pretty permanent feeling.


Does positivity attract positivity? Sure. But I struggle to even keep myself afloat. I don't think I can handle others at the same time, especially when we can't equally support each other. Anyway-- I do appreciate you taking the time to answer.