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Originally Posted by MarcusAurelius
@ BirdDancer ,. @ whatever2013 , @ BethRags Thank you all for your words -- I don't feel so alone in all of this. I would like to say I appreciate each and every answer as it was sincere and compassionate, so thank you. I live in a very small town and my social circle is even smaller (let's just be honest -- it's me, my mom and my cat lol). A lot of support isn't out there -- but I'll figure out something.
@ fern46 I do see things a bit differently than you do fern46, but I think it's great you have the ability to transform and create positive experiences. If I had a mentality , perhaps it would be somewhat possible, but I just don't see the world that way. You asked if my belief was that all interactions create a drama filled state? Is it your belief that allowing someone into your life means you have to engage in drama. Short answer is -- no, but it's a bit more complex that that.
However, you can't control or change people -- and people will have their own agenda. No amount of wishing, hoping, "good vibes" or sincerity I put out there will ultimately change that fact. What I mean is, despite believing everyone is 'basically good' or are looking to put their best foot forward, it doesn't change reality. I've been jaded enough times to develop these sentiments. It's not worth filtering or the time it takes to perhaps find that good friend. It's not for me anyway. The gossip, lies, deceitfulness, or just manipulative behaviors are all I've really ever experienced. Genuine people are rare to come by, and may never come despite looking. I don't hate people, or think they're all out to get me -- it's just enough experience has taught me having your guard up is a must, and sometimes it's best just to never let it down. One of my biggest frustrations are ulterior motives and manipulation. A classic example -- my mother used to ask me to go to the store with her under the premise of carrying the larger and heavier things for her from the store... which in turn turned into "I don't have the money to pay for this right now, can you?" when we get to the checkout (money I'll never see again, mind you). Right there is a case of manipulation. Friendships haven't been much better in that respect. I accept the fact I am mentally ill and have unhealthy coping skills. I'm not denying that this mentality is unhealthy and unrealistic for the world we live in... but it's who I am today, and it's a pretty permanent feeling.
Does positivity attract positivity? Sure. But I struggle to even keep myself afloat. I don't think I can handle others at the same time, especially when we can't equally support each other. Anyway-- I do appreciate you taking the time to answer. |
I appreciate your reply and I feel like I can empathize with where you're coming from and how you've been treated. I support you regardless of what you choose. You have a good heart. It continually shines through when you post. I did feel like I should clarify a few things. My world isn't all rainbows and unicorns.
People most definitely always have an agenda. Why wouldn't they? I don't put up with crap and I don't allow others to manipulate me. I'm known by my close friends as a no nonsense kind of girl with a sharp tongue. However, I don't walk around with my guard up as I am only manipulated if I allow for it. Fool me once, sure. Fool me twice? Absolutely not. I offer the benefit of the doubt first and then adjust if a new strategy is needed. I do this even if my own mother is involved. In fact she wasn't a part of my life for the past 15 years because of very poor behavior on her part despite my best effort. I'm not a punching bag. I'm trained to diffuse conflict and have learned sometimes it cannot be avoided. That is a truth, but it is the exception to the rule in my life.
I was quite awful as a child. I manipulated people all the time. I always had my guard up. I believed I had to scrap and fight my way through life. I ended up sad and lonely and I changed. I still fight for what I want, but I do it by radiating my own energy as opposed to fighting whatever my 'opponent' is putting out.
Does positivity foster positivity? Of course. It isn't that simple as you've stated. People are complex and they can sense what kind of energy you're carrying. Guarded people take me quite some time to connect with in many cases. They usually sense I am not a threat, but they still proceed as though I may harm them. Eventually, it usually works itself out. When it doesn't I don't stick around because it is a drain of my energy and it isn't my business to change people. Genuine people might be hard to come by... or perhaps they migrate to be with those who are kindred to their nature and naturally give back what they offer.
I choose positivity because it makes ME happy. I am doing what adds value in my life. It is how I prefer to be. I will not give that up simply because others around me make different choices. I respect their right to be as they are, but I am not changing how I choose to be to try to battle against their choices. I just do my thing and I find that typically it generates more of what I want. When it doesn't, I accept it for what it is and either deal with it or navigate to a better experience.
You are 100% right. You cannot control or change people. I am suggesting though you can absolutely change whether or not they are controlling you. I am suggesting you are equally as important as me or anyone else. I am suggesting you should have your own agenda and you should be able to foster it despite the jerks that might stand in your way.