So this was my first session back with Dr. T, on 9/17 (I've had numerous sessions since then, including today):
In case any of you had money on this, I'm back with Dr. T. We met Tuesday (9/17) and had a good discussion. He had just assumed I was gone and wasn't coming back. Said it took a lot of courage to come in and discuss things, how many people would have just run. And he thought maybe the meeting was just to have a better ending. I said I did want a better ending, to not have just walked out in anger, but I also wanted to talk about whether he thought there were ways that we could move forward and keep working together. Because I feel we still have work to do together. So we discussed that, and we both saw ways that we could move forward.

He said he realized that in the past few months (since June really), there had been a lot of tension in the therapeutic relationship. And that it made sense that I was frustrated and angry about it. He thought it went back to the week he was on vacation, when I checked in to see if he was still alive. And he thought I was being funny, like "You're too funny, LT. No I haven't been eaten by bears!" Which seems to fit with when I feel things took a negative turn. Because it felt like he should have realized I was being serious (due to a discussion we had before he left), and it felt like a misattunement.

He said he thought the tension between us was partly a mix of his time away (three weeks off this summer) and some conflicts, that we just ended up continually working on the relationship instead of other therapy stuff. I said it would seem like we had just fixed things, then there would be another conflict, so there was no real time when things consistently felt OK. He agreed. We also discussed the push-pull dynamic that had been happening. Where I pushed more, which led him to pull back, which just led me to push more.

I said I'd started pushing more because it felt like he was being different toward me. So I was trying to get signs that everything was OK. That what my brain went to was, "He's sick of dealing with me." And things like the conflict on standing and stuff with the email when I was feeling really bad the one night seemed to confirm that. But then I also wondered if there could have been something going on in his outside life that was affecting him--adding that I wasn't trying to pry or asking if there was, but it was a way for me to make sense of it where his acting differently was *not* just about me. He didn't say anything, but a look that flashed across his face made me think I was on to something there.

He said how in the session from 2 weeks ago (when I terminated), he got the sense that I was just done, that I wanted to leave therapy with him, pretty much from from the beginning of the session. And he didn't feel he should try to convince me otherwise, which is why he responded as he did to many of the things I said.

I did mention seeing the other T's, and he wasn't surprised or bothered by it. He said he just assumed I had. I mentioned scheduling with him again, and he said I could take as long as I needed to decide if I wanted to resume working with him. I said I kind of wanted to just make a decision and go with it (like, keep looking for other T's vs. not), so could we schedule to continue the conversation?

I saw him (the following) Friday to continue the discussion, and I think it was very productive. It feels as though something has shifted in our relationship, in a positive way. Maybe I took back some power by terminating and seeing some other T's for a bit, I don't know--even if just in my own mind. It also feels like things are back to how they were between us before, like the rapport and connection are back. Those were things I couldn't know without seeing him and talking.

I'm leaving out lots of stuff here, including a long discussion (that Friday, like the second session back) about emailing and what goes through his mind with those and what he's trying to provide and also not provide--like not just saying something that will feel good in the moment but not last. He wants me to be able to feel some of these things in myself--like have confidence and faith in myself--rather than going to him for them (or even to anyone else, like friends or H, but he said it's better to go to them because they're reciprocal relationships). I said I'd need his help in figuring out how to get there, that he can say, "I want you to feel confident in yourself," but it's difficult for me to just do that. He seemed to understand and agreed that it's something we can work on together.

I asked him about something specific with email [that second session back]--like whether he'd prefer I not email in a particular scenario--and he wanted to reflect on it a bit before answering, which I appreciate. I told him I want to focus more on actual therapy stuff vs. the therapeutic relationship. Actually working on the issues about which we've both said, "This would be a good thing to work on" then never really went back to. Will this change last? Who knows? I just need to give it a try for now.

And I know I liked M the first time I saw him, but I felt a bit differently about him after seeing him the second time. I don't think he was right for me, partly because he's so new, and he also seemed a bit uncomfortable when I talked (the second session) about my history of transference for T's. I still have a list of potential T's that I researched before, and there were two others that I was going to meet with but cancelled on--one because I was going to work with M, the other, I was going to have a phone consult with but cancelled. Both have said I'm welcome to reach out to them again if my situation changes. M was a bit less...congenial to my apologies about saying I'd work with him for a month, then deciding to go back to Dr. T. That I'd enjoyed meeting him and talking to him, that it wasn't really about him but that I thought I had more work to do with Dr. T. He was just like "Good luck with your therapy."
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So, again, that was something I typed up back in September. Can update later on how things have gone since then. Just trying to explain what went into my decision to go back to Dr. T after all the negative stuff I said about him on here. I think I also needed to sit with that decision for a bit and see how it went before posting about it in this thread (though I did mention on Couch and in Dear T). In case it blew up immediately. But there just seems to have been...for lack of a better word, a warmth from Dr. T lately, since I've been back, that had been lacking before. I mean, he hasn't gone completely to the warm and fuzzy side, but our interactions feel different. Like we each have a renewed appreciation and respect for the other person. I just really hope it continues....