Sui thoughts are back. Only this time, I haven't told anyone about them. Not until now. My gf looks scared when I even hint things are heading that way again. I don't want to terrify her when it could just blow over.

I have no real intent. At least not enough for a consistent plan or anything.

Anything to get them to shut the **** is all I want. Meds aren't coming, so what the hell am I supposed to do? Drink it all away? Smoke it all gone? Even if I would, I don't have the money for it. Habits will make it worse, habits will makes it worse....

But I need the problem gone. I need it vanquished.

The breath on my neck is still there. Panting.... Why do I deserve to live with this? What the **** did I do?

I need to be numb if I can't be gone.