I am very sorry you are struggling. I also struggle with a ton of SI. Being on PC helps me because it shows me or reminds me, I guess, that I am not the only one going through this. That there are in fact lots of other folks struggling the same basic way I do. That helps me, it gives me a little bit of strength and it reminds me that I am not bad, not being punished for something. I just have a really tough illness.

Do you have a pdoc or /and a therapist? Do they know what is going on with you? Please let them know immediately what is going on with you. Please do that, they may want to change your meds around a bit.

I agree that using substances is the road to nowhere. It will only make things worse, so I advise you not to do that.

Hang in there. Surf around the Depression forum or the bipolar forum or any forum you think might have some similar folks on it. People here do care. Please don't give up!