Dear Nightdream --

I am so sorry that you are in such pain. I know what it feels like. It is awful.

Here's a little CBT technique that helped me when I was in the suicidal depths of my disease:

Whenever I had an absolute thought, I would add a word to make a tiny, tiny place for hope.

I can't go on becomes <font color="blue">I almost can't go on</font>

I have nothing to live for becomes <font color="blue">I can't think of anything to live for at this moment, but I may later</font>

I can't stand it anymore becomes <font color="blue">I can hardly bear it anymore</font>

I know it seems simple-minded, but it let in the teeniest tiniest ray of hope that helped me to go on. Perhaps it will work for you, too. I hope so.

Many prayers and hugs for you today, Nightdream.