I'm 35 years old and have no friends or partner. Friendships and romantic relationships in the past have always been very one-sided. I wonder if I was intentionally seeking out narcissists because I believed I deserved to be someone else's supply rather than a companion. I've always struggled with fragile self-esteem, and with not feeling like I deserve love or friendship. I can't help but think that if I were worthy, someone would have seen it by now. I've tried all the things I could think of to develop new friendships: going to Meetups, setting up my own Meetup group that no one showed up for, volunteering at many different places, doing political and social justice events, attending a faith group, going to community events, talking to people at work, talking to people at school when I was taking classes, trying to keep in contact with people I was in the hospital with (that was 3 times), and even doing social coaching (which was a disaster for my mental health, and something I had to pay out of pocket for). Across so many different places and situations, with many different kinds of people, and across such a long span of time, I'm the only common factor in all this. I just don't know whether it's something I keep doing wrong or if there's just something intrinsically wrong with me than means I'll never have companionship of any kind. Maybe people are making the right decision in avoiding companionship with me.