My transference love is not for my therapist, though I have one, but rather for my psychiatrist of about 12 years. I've always adored him. At times it's been an unhealthy erotic transference. Then it eased a little, but that didn't take the love part away. Then, lately, it's been unhealthy again.

I talked to my husband about this tonight. My husband has known about my love for my psychiatrist from the beginning (12 years ago). Hubby suggested that I "wean myself off" my psychiatrist a bit. I actually see my psychiatrist far more often than many people do. My average is every 2 to 3 weeks, for years. He sees me for a full 20 minutes per session, sometimes more. That's far more than many people talk to their psychiatrists. My psychiatrist pretty much has accommodated most all of my requests for emergency appointments, talking in between appointments, last minute rescheduling, calling him during his vacations, etc. That sort of exacerbates the issue. I always feel that he has a real soft spot for me, too. I'm not 100% sure of that, but intellectually, it would seem to be the case. I question why he sees me so often. I can't believe it's because he is after my copays, though of course he does collect them...eventually. He only bills me once per year, but then the bill is pretty hefty.

The biggest problem is that my husband wants to move to Europe in a few years. I should be preparing for such a HUGE move, but I put it off and put it off because I don't want to leave my home. I flat out resist! I told my husband that I don't believe I'll miss my father or siblings nearly as much as I'll miss my psychiatrist. That sounds horrible, but you'd have to know the situation. I actually see my psychiatrist much more often than I see my siblings and dad. They love me, but show me far less concern and support compared to my psychiatrist. Is it just "paid for support"? God, I hope it's not solely that!

I wrote a letter a little while ago basically asking my psychiatrist to send me to an Intensive Outpatient Program to help me transition away from him. Hubby has convinced me to hold off on sending such a thing. I see my psychiatrist on Monday morning. I don't know how I'll be then. What I'll say.

Of course there is always the fear that if I told my psychiatrist what I wrote, that he'd be quick to agree to it. That fact, alone would make me grieve.

It's amazing what the mind conjures up. It's amazing how we latch onto certain people or things as compensations for other things. I've been sick for so many years, some years extremely sick. I've experienced so many losses during that period. I'm so sick and tired of grieving and grieving!

I have been under a great deal of stress for many weeks. Months. My husband told me that he thinks my moods were elevated for a long time, and that this is the crash. I don't want to be hasty about anything, but at the same time, I'd like to do something that moves me forward. I don't want to fall deeper and deeper.

A couple years back was when I told my psychiatrist about my husband's desire to return to Europe. I remember him firmly stating "Don't do it!" that proclamation was almost detrimental to me. I remember asking my then therapist if he should have even stated such a thing. She said that she understands that he worries such a huge move would be severely destabilizing. Again, I recognize that to be true. Even if I wasn't emotionally entangled with anyone other than my husband. However, HIM telling me "not to do it" has made it all the harder.