Reading all your responses, thank you.

I felt better after posting, and you guys also helped put it in perspective.

Some people may not understand or struggle with shame and social anxiety the way I do. (I could tell by some responses and a felt a bit judged)

and yes, Blanche, I have been hurt a lot in my life and "programmed" etc.

Its (shame, anxiety) not something I want to have so present in my life and I'm actively looking for ways to calm it and diminish its effects. Like posting here, for instance.