Hi everyone, I told my Regular T last night about my sui attempt over Thanksgiving. She was really upset. Visibly upset. She said she felt like she was going to have a heart attack. I feel like a horrible person. A stupid, awful, horrible person. I didn't think it would affect her like this. I think part of my being depressed and SH-ing makes me have a harder time recognizing that other people get upset when I hurt myself because I'm not upset about it. I have to think of it differently, like if it were one of my friends how would I feel? Or one of my coworkers? Or family members? I told her that I had told her I was suicidal last Wednesday (the day before the attempt) and she said, yes, but you've said that lots of times. But I don't usually say that I have a plan and the means to carry it out. She did ask me if I was going to do it on Wednesday and I said no, because I wasn't going to do it on Wednesday--I didn't want to mess up Thanksgiving for my parents. She said I had a bit of an attitude last night. I didn't really think so. But I wasn't going to argue the point. If she thought I had an attitude, then so be it.


She said what I did was not okay. And that we had to come to some sort of agreement. I have to call her first if/when I do something like that again. She said she isn't worried about the SH because she knows that is a coping mechanism. But she did ask me if I tried to sui because I am trying to not SH? Good question. IDK. She said even if it is 3 AM to call her. I would have to call the answering service and she told me to tell them to call her, that she said to call her, and then I would have to talk to her and then she would have to tell me that it is okay to do whatever it was I wanted to do. That seems ridiculous. Not the calling her part, or talking to her part, but there is no way she is going to agree.


She asked me why I didn't go to the hospital. I did think about it. I thought about it a lot. But they don't help at the hospital. It's not like they can give you a shot or a pill or something to make you feel better. She's like, of course not, what they do is give you time to keep yourself safe, because how you feel changes with time. I know that. I should have gone to the hospital but I was pretty worried they would just keep me in the ER for 9 hours and then send me home again like is what usually happens.


When I got to the parking lot of my T's office, I called said friend and I told her I had a very serious question to ask her. She was like, "Oh-kay" kind of slow like. So I asked her if she would hold my extra medications for me? She asked me a couple of questions. She agreed to hold the medications for me. We agreed I would go over there tonight after work to give them to her. I feel kind of embarrassed and ashamed. I'm glad I have a friend that cares about me though that will do this for me. But I also feel like a naughty child being punished. And maybe I do deserve punishment IDK.


I gave my T a Christmas card, which she loved. She said she has one for me too, but she hadn't filled it out yet. She said she would mail it to me if I wasn't going to see her again before the holiday but I have two more appointments with her before Christmas.


We talked about movies. We talked about Frozen 2. Spoiler She also went on about some other movies and actresses and stuff that she likes. I wasn't paying a lot of attention then.


She wore the black flowers in her hair which I like. She made me promise that I will see her next week. I promised.


Hugs, Kit