I'm glad you told your therapist. I struggled for years with serious suicidality and attempts, so much of what you wrote here resonates with me.

A profound and life-changing moment for me was when my sister died. She had cancer and her death wasn't totally unexpected, but I was devastated. My family was devastated. My children were devastated. As I watched how distraught everyone was about her death, it hit me that I never wanted to purposefully cause my family to go through that. It was painful enough in an expected, medical death; I realized that adding the cause from suicide to that kind of tragedy would perhaps cause lasting, irreparable damage to members of my family. I hadn't truly allowed myself to think of suicide that way previous to the pain I felt with my sister's death, but at that moment, I realized I had to take suicide off the table.

Taking away that "option" forced me to actually start applying better coping strategies, to actually follow my emergency plan with my therapist and my pdoc, to start being brutally honest with them so that I was no longer letting my suicidality lurk in the shadows. I brought those thoughts and plan out into the stark light, and interestingly, they started diminishing. Something about the covertness of suicidality, the secretiveness, had been keeping it alive and continuing to be my default. Being out in the open diminished its power over me.

Maybe seeing how your therapist was jarred by your attempt can help you see that suicide doesn't only impact you; it impacts everyone who crosses your path.

The other issue is that, like SH, suicidal attempts can become repetitive. That's probably your therapist's concern. All the more reason why you really have to be completely frank with her from here on out, and it is concerning that already you aren't doing so.

The hospital can keep you safe. Even if they just hold you for 8 or 9 hours, that can be enough to get past the impulse to take action. Additionally, your pdoc if you have one, can be more insistent on admitting you since you do have a history of attempt.

I'm sorry you are feeling so badly right now. I hope you can come up with a healthy plan to put into place for any future times that you are feeling in danger. Utilize your therapist, your friends, etc. to stay safe and get past those moments of impulse.