"but i have been struck by this intense feeling lately.... that either he does not care, or that he will pull back. i'm not afraid of him leaving me, it's more a fear of rejection. i feel compelled to talk to him, to convince him i am doing better, convince him i am worth the effort... it's maddening"

Jello, that is where i am at with my MD. Like she is pulling away from me and expects me to be better than I am ... so i find myself not giving her updates, only telling her things that say i am getting better so that she will not give up on me and send me away. I'm afraid if i hav enot made enough progress she will (not leave) but not be as close, not as caring.. like giving up on the surface while still attempting to care. I agree that this thought process cannot be trusted. T tells me MD cares and will not just leave me stranded. Yet the other is easier to believe.