Quote:
Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight
Hugs, Kit, I'm glad you were able to tell her. I'm not sure how I feel about her saying she felt like she was having a heart attack. That would make me feel guilty. And also might make me feel more reluctant to tell her in the future. Did you come up with any crisis plan besides calling her? It also seems like it could be better if she could give you a direct number to call, as having to call the answer service, then waiting for them to call her, then waiting for her to call back could take a bit of time. Did she offer up any other coping options/safety plan, like crisis line, other things to try, etc.?
Possible trigger:
And it's interesting you discussed whether you were potentially making the attempt because of feeling like you couldn't SH. Because to me, that might have felt like one of your coping mechanisms being taken away. And maybe fearing disappointing T and/or yourself. So you felt worse. It makes me think of the time earlier this year when I was torn between contacting my T, having another drink, or SHing. I was trying to reduce drinking, so in my head, SH almost felt like a better option. And I'd suspected I was close to the email threshold with T where I'd have to pay for his reply. So in my head, it was like, "It would be better to SH than to drink or contact him." But then I felt I shouldn't SH. I just felt stuck. And it was late at night, so no one IRL would have been available. Even contacting T, he wouldn't have replied till the next morning. But it can be weird how we can have sort of a hierarchy of "I don't want to do this thing" (in my case, drinking or else contacting my T, in yours, perhaps SH), so then we might resort to something that's considered worse just to avoid doing that. Like it might not seem logical to someone not struggling with depression or other mental illness, but can make total sense in the moment.
I hope you can stay safe... |
Thanks LT. Nope, the whole safety plan is calling her through the operator people and giving the excess of my meds away for someone to hold. That's it. She did say I should start a book club. I told her I am already in a book club and I don't think I can read another book between the ones I read for PDOC, and Pastor T, and book club. Like I have no more time to read. I barely can keep up with reading these things.
With the SH, Pastor T is having me text (although he really wants me to call) his wife whenever I have the desire to SH. I don't do this all the time because my goodness, the woman has a life, I just text her when I feel like I'm close to giving into it. But I don't want to have to call or text his wife so it makes SH less attractive. I think what T was saying was kind of like this
I've been trying to be more open with people in real life and connect with them. I've now told six or seven people in real life about my attempt, not including T. Thing is, I feel worse having shared, not better. And the whole my T feels like she is having a heart attack wasn't helpful. She like literally needed a time out to recover. I didn't think it would be that shocking. I mean, we do spend a considerable amount of time talking about sui.
I'm glad that I told T overall though. Although I don't feel like I have that great of a plan for next time this comes up. I know I have to call her. I'm mostly too depressed and messed up and unstable right now to try to think through this a lot. So I am just trying to manage little chunks of it at a time.
I did make an appointment with PDOC but it's in February. Maybe I should make an appointment with my PCP. I don't think she'll do anything about psychiatric stuff because she is the one who sent me for a psych consult to begin with. She'll look at SH wounds and stuff though.
I think I'm sort of like, what now? I'm lost. HUGS Kit