I left a really toxic and abusive relationship back at the end of September. I tried to leave in August but we got back together for September then I said enough is enough and I left for good. I couldn't forgive her or myself for everything she put me through.

I had been doing really good for a few months but recently I've started having flashbacks every day and I've been having a lot of dreams about everything and it sucks. I just want to move on with my life and keep doing what I've been doing but all this stuff keeps coming back up to haunt me and it hurts a lot.

I wrote a few songs about it over the last few months that really help honestly but it's hard to stay focused. A lot of times the post traumatic stress hits me at work if a certain song plays or something, it will like violently remind me of certain things that happened and I have to shake it off and try to get back to work.

I almost always feel on edge or tense and I'm constantly worried I'll see her on the street or see her name somewhere or something and it's ridiculous.

I recently saw that she got into a relationship with someone else and while part of me is glad she won't be hitting me up anymore for stuff it kind of frustrates me. Like I tried so hard to be the best I could to her and all she did was screw me over. I can't help but think to myself that it's not fair that she gets out so easily and on to someone else while I'm sitting here wishing that I could just move past the trauma and feel comfortable about getting into a new relationship.

Currently I hardly trust anyone. I can't see myself being a healthy partner in a relationship and I don't think it would be fair to always be secondguessing someone who might really have only pure intentions for me. I've been talking to a few girls and they're really awesome and I could see something good happening but I can't help but be afraid that I'll hurt them emotionally or be a burden because of the post traumatic stress and that sucks. I want to feel good about these things but I don't.

I'm just lucky I have passions to drive me forward without the need of a relationship. It's really hard to keep on steady ground these days but I'm trying. Music is really saving my butt here. Without that, I'd be a chaotic mess. That andthe goals I constantly set and work towards help keep me moving forward steadily. I just wish that I wouldn't keep getting thrown into hell randomly. It's really distracting and irritating. It makes me irritable sometimes too which sucks because I like to be as positive as possible as much as possible.

I'm not sure if I'm making good progress to healing my brain, but I'm trying.