I don't know what to think anymore. Do any of you have any thoughts? (Please?)
Background is that I made a plan to use my week of vacation (which starts tomorrow) to go visit my parents across the country and my T thought that was a terrible idea because the last few times I've visited my parents things have gone poorly. His replies are in italics.
12/5 8pm
Dear [T],
I’m so tired. I just want to go to the hospital.
I thought about calling you but I suspect you’d tell me to quit wallowing and get out of the house and I don’t think you understand how much energy it takes and how little energy I have.
Sometimes it feels like you don’t think I’m trying hard enough. But [T], I am trying so damn hard. A person can get worn down. I just want to give up.
[c]
12/5 8:30pm
[c], when are you planning to leave to go to [where my parents live]? I am not sure If you have thought about the fact that, if you were to go inpatient, you would not have to go on the trip. I think we need to really start considering the idea that your sudden difficulties could possibly be related to feelings about this trip.
12/5 8:50pm
Especially given what we were starting to talk about regarding your dad. Given the intensity of your reaction to that topic, how recently this was coming up, and the fact that you are planning to stay with them, how could this trip NOT be generating some feelings in you, however dissociated they might be?
12/6 4:45am
I’m supposed to leave tomorrow.
I’m not quite stupid enough to disagree with what you’re saying. But if I change my plans now, my parents will be so disappointed. And angry. I don’t want to have to deal with all of their feelings.
12/6 6:30am
I feel like you might be in a position where you have to choose between “dealing with their feelings” and crumbling beneath YOUR feelings and horrible urges. Perhaps I am being overly simplistic, but I feel like you have three potential options here:
1. Canceling the trip altogether
2. Staying somewhere other than your parents’ house, such as with a friend or AIR BNB
3. Staying with your parents
Given your experiences this week, number three just seems very, very unwise—there is no way that I can justify it. If you decide you would like to proceed with option one or two and you want to think through how to do it, Let me know and I could try to schedule a brief phone conversation today to chat about it.
Best,
[T]