Putting down the bottle brings something else back up to my lips.

So, I've been told I'm a alcoholic. I've also been told that I'm not. Ones telling me, a few of them I called projection but others I just... was dumbfounded. Like, really? How so when I hardly pick a drink up these days?

Well, when I put the drinks away or just quit buying them I seem to have to escape in other ways. Marijuana is great and I get high, but it doesn't completely fill my need/desire. Alcohol helps me numb, helps me just not give a ****, and ultimately I think that's all I want.

I have to fight not to call my guy and get other things lately. I had a 20 in my hand and wondered how many benzos I could get since I know the guy pretty well. If it isn't that, I keep thinking about opiates. I'm a downer person, I guess.

I can't have these things, I won't allow myself to have them in my apartment because I know me. I know I binge with alcohol, I would binge with these. I also know that I've had a taste of them, good and long one, and that's why I want more. If I had a pick of everything, though, I'd want morphine. It's my favorite high.

Alcohol is easier access. Much like me not having access to sex at all times means I watch a lot of porn. Though I don't think I'm addicted there. But again, looking for escape.

I just want to escape. Does that make me an alcohol or an addict? I don't know. I just know these people would want an escape if they had the same things floating around in their head.