Thanks to everyone

To answer the questions from Crypts_of_the_mind

I messed up a bit some people' lives in the last two years, because I had mental problems and isolated and couldn't manage my contacts and relations in a healthy way... also I had a serious psychotic episode some months ago :/ . I was not very aware of my condition at first

I messed up with a person I was in love with and also made him lose precioua time and get confused
Sorry if I don't explain in details
I humiliated myself because i've not been working for a very long time now

Of course I know there are bigger problems in this world, but for the first time in my life I feel I suffer this circumstances like if this is a point of no return. I went too far, i wasted

I'm not a teen
I created a awkward non-sense situation when I was in my very late 20s and after two years I feel like everything has been in a mixer-minipimer

Maybe is ocd but for example as i was feeling i was mad and stupid, the Amazon forest was burning. Then Australia...
I said to myself "I'm part of the non-sense, of the disaster, i messed up with precious relationship and time
And there is violence and there are adults who can't control themeselves
I'm not cruel of course, but I've been feeling dumb and damaging
I feel the caos

This is heavy, sorry
I think I will delete the thread